How to Stop Being the Fixer in Relationships

Fixing might feel good, but it’s the toxic kiss of death to a relationship.

Photo by Alexandre Chambon on Unsplash

Being a fixer sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t want a fixer in their life — someone to rescue them from their problems? As a recovering fixer, I’ve learned that while fixing problems for other people feels good, it is actually the toxic kiss of death to a relationship.

The scary truth is many people don’t even realize that they’re the fixer in a relationship. That’s because being the fixer feels good, and having someone else fix your problems feels good. It can take a while before anyone realizes there’s an issue.

So how do you know if you’re caught in that toxic trap?

Subtle clues you might have fixer tendencies:

You might be a fixer if…

• You feel deeply responsible for other people’s emotional stability, satisfaction, or happiness.
• You can’t bear to watch a loved one experience discomfort — even if the uncomfortable circumstance is a natural consequence of their choices.
• You’re quick to step in to solve problems or create solutions for people you care about, and doing so makes you feel happiness or relief.