Hide & Seek

I tend to disappear into life. Into my very own life.

You see, I’ve found that sometimes the society blinds me to the extent where I fail to see the raw and bare me laying right here. Living inside my very own being. Found in my very own soul, and seen in my very own eyes. The two staring at this white page, which by the simple touch of my fingertips, are being attacked by big black letters. Letters, in which you can understand, proceed the meaning of and therefore: letters that are very useful to me.

The true me is laying here, living here, simply just chilling around here. But I have a problem:

No one seeks me, not even me, and therefore

- no one finds me.

The fact is that I’ve already misplaced me by the time I’ve managed to place a crispy hot toast on my perfectly square IKEA porcelain plate in the morning.

I’ve misplaced me by the time I’ve looked at my face 15 times in the mirror to check for makeup flaws, milk stains, or fallen eyelashes resting on my freshly rose-painted cheekbones.

I’ve misplaced me when I walk out the door in the morning, having painted a picture so perfect I know the world will like it. A picture people will enjoy because it fits into their definition of pretty, of perfect. A picture that from all my underlying Instagram investigation knows for sure is “spot on”. And when that is done I can lower my shoulders just half an inch.

You see, your focus is what leads you. Your focus shouldn’t be you, but it should be to become the best version of you. To be that you need to be more of you. Be more yourself and less like others.

I’ve always been told that; “You need to come out of yourself”! But I never really understood it, until it really happened.

For a period of time I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who dragged me out of my shell. People who constantly challenged me to be me. People who dared me to do things I didn’t think I dared, but which they knew I could do. I spoke up in a new class, in a new school, in a new country with a “new” language. I held presentations by myself in languages known to the audience by heart. I tapped unknown shoulders hoping to find somewhere to belong. By repeating these little things over and over again, it suddenly became natural to me. My comfort zone was little by little extended into a so-called “American size” (which we all know is a lot bigger than any European size.). And I was happy. I was becoming more of me, and not being afraid of showing people me. I always knew who I was, and therefore I dared more. I challenged life more, I lived more, and I lived better.

But something happened when I changed into a different environment, when I tried to bring the extended version of me into a new social surrounding. Into the uptight, self-centered Scandinavia. I didn’t fit in, and slowly but surely me was pushed right back in. Me crept back into its safe spot, simply because me was not appreciated.

I was pushed back into a shape everyone was pleased with. And it was depressing. I was not only hiding me, but I was killing me.

After being told who you should be long enough, you start forgetting who you really are. You’re fooled into thinking the new you, always have been you.