The Power of Clearing Conversations

On our recent Retreat as part of the Patagonian Marathon Leadership Program, one of our Members acknowledged that the skill of effective clearing conversations had made a huge difference in their personal and professional relationships.

For those unfamiliar with the concept: With clearing conversation, we mean a conversation with someone that clears up whatever is in the way of genuine connection and emotional safety between people. This can be a minor frustration right through to long-term resentment.

It was only a few weeks prior to our Retreat that I had cleared something with this Member in one of our coaching calls. In the call, I had made an assumption about a challenge they were facing without any inquiry. Assumptions and judgements aren’t aligned with our coaching philosophy, so before the call was complete, I acknowledged internally that I had brought judgement into the conversation.

Fortunately, I have been in situations like this often enough to know what to do — A few minutes later, I circled back and cleared that I wasn’t sure how my comment had been received. I apologised for the assumption I had made and the impact I believe it had had. The Member appreciated that I didn’t just brush over it and acknowledged the gracefulness of the clearing. Our interaction became a model example of a clearing conversation for them to use in their own life.

So often, in subtle ways, there is some negatively charged energy sitting between us and other people. Whether it is being in the same room as an ex-partner from a relationship that didn’t end well, seeing an old boss at a conference who fired you years ago, or even your husband or wife the day after an unresolved argument. We all have experienced it before and know the uneasy feeling when there is something in the space between us and others.

It is typical human behaviour to avoid acknowledging the elephant in the room. Instead of openly talking about it and choosing freedom in the relationship, we silently suffer in the discomfort and disconnection. We tip–toe around, pretend nothing is there, or even complain about the other person when they are not listening.

In fact, sometimes — in our own experience more often that not — what we believe is in the space between us and others may only exist in our own heads. The other person may have no idea about our feelings, stories and beliefs. Without clearing conversations, we carry these stories and subconsciously take the negative energy everywhere we go. As we keep engaging in relationships this way, this energy weighs us down and slowly takes away our power and freedom.

The key thing to know about a clearing conversation is that it may not be comfortable, and it will likely require courage and vulnerability. From our experience though, it always leaves both parties freer and more connected.

If reading this has sparked you to consider which individuals you need to have a clearing conversation with, here are a few suggestions to guide you:

1. Create the proper space for a clearing conversation. Do it privately and ensure it is a verbal conversation. Never use text or other written forms, as they are one-sided and prone to misinterpretation.
2. Get clear on your intention for the conversation. It is important that your intention is mutually beneficial.
   For example;
   Good intention: To create greater peace and harmony in the relationship. Bad intention: Have the other realise they have wronged you, and have them apologies — This intention is all about you being right and getting further validation, and therefore not mutually beneficial.
3. Reflect objectively on the situation and identify what you want to clear — What is the feeling, story or belief about yourself or the other that you want to communicate and resolve?
4. State what happened that caused the feeling, story or belief and the impact it has had on you, the other or the relationship.
5. Listen to the other’s response with empathy and the intention of understanding their perspective. Consider where you may have contributed to the negative charge between you and the other.
6. Take full responsibility for the future of the relationship. Be humble and keep the mutually beneficial intention in mind.

Clearing conversations create connection and harmony in our lives. They reduce frustration and resentment and ultimately enable us to be lighter and freer.

Please connect if you would like support with your clearing conversations, and be sure to let me know what difference they make to your relationships and peace of mind.