Catholic Church Introduces New Point System For Salvation
VATICAN CITY — Seeking to connect with a younger generation, the Catholic Church has introduced an all-new point system to determine whether or not you will receive God’s holy redemption.
“We hope that this new numerical based system will prove to simplify spirituality,” said Cardinal Thomas Yeonal, in a press conference. “We understand how much millennials enjoy playing video games, so we knew that they could appreciate scoring points for Jesus.”
Saying the Lord’s Prayer or a Hail Mary is now worth 10 points, unless of either are said at a sporting event or while drunk. Attending mass on Sunday earns you 25 points, but mass during a weekday counts for up to 40.
Confessionals can range from 50–200 points, depending upon the severity of the sins confessed and the leniency of the priest. Points are doubled during Lent and tripled during the Advent season.
The Church has not yet said how many points it will take to earn entry into Heaven, but they assured everyone that it would be “a lot.” Sins actually detract points, with some of the so-called deadly sins resetting one’s point total altogether.
Church officials also reinforced the point that only members of the Catholic Church would be allowed to participate in the program, because only good Catholics can get into Heaven.