…to bear the burden of future “growth” of men enabled and empowered by supposedly repentant abusers. What was presented at a break in the cycle of abuse, was just a thinly veiled jump into the honeymoon phase. I saw it almost, I’m not entirely sure why it hit me so hard. Maybe I think, it is because I’ve personally been mined for my emotional pain and labor so that someone else could “learn and grow”. Maybe it was because cishet black men almost unilaterally cosign this grand scale manipulation, and the collective lack of true empathy deeply disturbed. Maybe it’s because 4:44 encourages us to give another inch to men who have run miles on our broken bodies. Maybe it was because I was feeling what these men claimed to, but clearly could not. Maybe it was m…
…The 4:44 Effect, I fear, will be particularly toxic in spaces once considered safe for black women. Cishet black male allies can can now dodge accountability under the guise of “still learning”. They can berate black women for not being impressed or wooed by their juvenile grasp on emotional intelligence. They can berate queer black people for not graciously allowing their casual queerantagonism because…
… in new abusive maneuvers, all while serving each other’s alibis and witnesses to “still learning.” These men who seem to be baring their souls, are more similar to a bully whining about how hard an exam is while making someone else do all of his homework. Of course you’re unprepared, you never did the work! And yet, they still expect more emotional labor to be done for them. Several of the men take jabs at the women who didn’t stick around until they finally figured it out. Almost as if they’re offended that someone who probably waited out their abuse did not wait longer. They claim to have learned but drop constant hints that no they have not.