Following the Spirals of Feminine Creativity
There have been many times in my life that I have fulfilled the role of primary “caregiver” in some way, whether in a romantic partnership, friendship or as an event producer and then a counselor. It’s something that comes very natural to me as I am good at organization and easily access empathy and compassion. Yet, at some point I almost always began to feel resentful in my role. I felt undervalued, unacknowledged, and taken advantage of. Because I voluntarily fulfilled the role, I then felt a responsibility to stick with it. My reaction was to get angry and then feel guilty, resulting in those who I have been living/working with being confused as everything was seemingly going so well.
For many women, this caregiver role is generally an easy and natural fit, particularly at the beginning of a relationship or project when you want to be helpful and valued. Then you hit a point in time where you no longer want to continue in that role; you want a change, something new, you want to create: a new project, growth within yourself, a new hobby or job, etc. Unfortunately, it usually doesn’t present itself this clearly. It often feels like you’ve “lost” yourself and/or that others are taking advantage of you. You get mad and demand change. Yet, if we follow just the energy (not the emotions) we usually find that after a while we can, and do, willingly go back into the caregiving role. This somewhat circular cycle happens multiple times in our lives sometimes over weeks, months, or years. If at some point we lose the desire to be the caregiver, then we are led to believe that means we must never want to do it again. This can then result in taking black or white action: stop completely or stay stuck due to guilt. But life, and women in particular, aren’t so black or white.
It’s an inner conflict many women feel: willingly taking on the caregiver role and then in a few weeks/months/years, we’re burnt out on it. We need to create again (consciously or unconsciously knowing this) but don’t have the space do so, which leads to frustration, guilt, and resentment. Understandably this is confusing for partners, family, friends, co-workers. Why fix something that isn’t broken? It’s confusing for women too, as often the cycle isn’t conscious; we think we aren’t satisfied, are bored, are being held back by the situation. We often label it as a pattern we need to break, and we take decisive and sometimes regrettable action to do just that.
This is where we can acknowledge linear/masculine and non-linear/feminine ways of thinking and being. Women rarely feel satisfied if they force themselves into linear constraints all the time. The limitations of linear existence can lead to creative frustration and stagnancy for women, whether they comprehend this concept or not. Men generally hold more masculine energy, which is more stable, structured, and set, whereas women generally hold more feminine energy. Feminine energy needs to shift and change. It is not straightforward or structured. Is there a way to honor both, not only in the other but also within ourselves as we frequently self-torment over this imbalance?
Anger is often the only way to garner enough attention to change or end a situation. Is it possible to follow the energy without having the only option to switch gears come from anger? Women are often pushed to ignore their own cycle in favor of the linear way: steady and unchanging. Neither men nor women are necessarily conscious of this, it’s just the way it has been and the expectation by us all is that we adhere to it. Emotional waves (deemed as feminine) are considered irrational and inconvenient when it comes to stability (deemed as masculine).
What if we found a way to flex within the cycle rather than break it? Is there a way to respect the circular cycle as much as and along with the linear way of stability? Emotional, creative, sexual, spiritual energy equal life force. If we do not give this force space to expand and contract organically it will die in congestion or stagnancy. The fundamental desire to create is inherent in women and can come out in myriad ways, from child rearing to artistic endeavors, project management to company leadership, interior design to spontaneous dance. It must be given space to express.
How do we shift from: you should stay focused on what you said you wanted to do (even if it was two years ago) and not change your mind, you are a wife/mother now so you must always put that role first, etc., to: how can we build fluidity into roles and responsibilities while still achieving the necessary objectives? How can we as women begin to accept and appreciate our own cycles — energetic, emotional, physical — and create systems in which there is flexibility and allowance for them? The energies need to be in balance; feminine energy that is chaotic and unformed needs a structure to channel through. Too much chaos leads to wasted and leaked energy while too much structure leads to stagnancy and rigidity. Balance doesn’t mean 50/50, it means allowing both energies to expand and contract organically, without force, following the flow.
It will take a change in consciousness as a whole to create this kind of harmony. I think many of us are feeling done with just getting angry when we or our partner has reached their limit in a specified role. It’s time to be disciplined in our awareness of ourselves and respond accordingly. We can learn to acknowledge the shift, accept it and take action to flow with it rather than attempt to keep it at bay. Over time we’ll be able to identify when something needs to shift prior to the breaking point and take action. We can follow and guide the flow of energy rather than force it along life’s path.
*written and published Apr. 2021
