Aggressively optimistic or Powerfully pessimistic?

Recently one of my daughters teachers called me. What he had to say and what he actually conveyed were most likely unintentionally incongruent. This happens to most of us who are not mind readers and have no idea how we come across at any given time

For example, his words “I know your daughter has this idea that people don’t like her” came across to me as, her emotions are invalid and her life experience is not real.

He continued “I know her father lives .. and he has contacted the school and we’ve all had the conversations about this” my slant was, there is no confidentially and we’re all talking about her and are in agreement that it’s her imagination.

The next statement was the kicker “I am at my wits end” my interpretation was, I’m an expert as a teacher and even I have given up.

Not once did he ask what he could do. Just mostly vented about one of the most beautiful and exceptional being that the good lord has created.

There is often misunderstanding of anxiety, depression and mental health. I know it can’t be helped and the outcome is an appearance of stupidity around it.

I kind of wish each time a person makes a statement that shows ignorance towards this growing population it would cause physical pain. “Just don’t think about it” WAM you feel like you just got kicked in the nards.

Whenever I hear someone start to lecture me about my feelings and whether they’re justified I glaze over. I start to daydream hearing the “jeopardy” theme song and picturing the best place to hide their body.

I am a realist and quite sarcastic but at least I’m funny about my demons. I have been told to just be happy. This mindset kept me sick and I want to yell “just kiss my ass then” which isn’t very endearing. Even if I only think it. My psychiatrist and doctor would spend the bulk of my appointments trying to convince me it was not a choice. They would say “when have you heard a cancer patient feel guilty about having to do chemo?”

I try not to be an asshole about sticking up for myself or anyone, something I fail.

Yes it’s far from the truth that everyone hates me but I believe it to my core. Intellectually I know most don’t and it feels a bit self centred to think anyone’s ambivalence is just that.

I can kind of explain and ONLY those who have felt the crippling effects of social anxiety will truly “get it”, it’s why we have specialists after all. It’s like an apple trying to tell an orange how to exist.

I can give you a bit of insight. Imagine each of us is an onion. Each time a person has a bad experience they might lose a layer, remaining whole. Time might wear another layer. A significant loss might mean a big chunk and like the real thing it makes us tear up. We become smaller but we still keep the same appearance.

Those is us who suffer start all chopped up. Every day we fit the squares to make a small ball, no skin just a naked slippery shape trying to get through the day. When we are noticed it’s like a sledgehammer smashes us up. Lots of crying and beating ourselves against the wall. There are days we can’t spare the energy to assimilate and we stay in our cocoon in tiny pieces.

Lots of frustration!!! We try to perfect an unattainable goal. Others interpret our frustration as “attitude” our outbursts make us ever angrier. We hate that we need attention and extra assistance to remain somewhat whole.

There is hope. It’s a hard uphill battle and we get the shape we want for fleeting moments. It’s like a dream when it happens. For me it’s only been in the last six months and little increments where I have been at peace.

Its when I say to myself I will trust experts to bring me back. Its when I realize the trade offs are better than the alternatives. As in, for the suicidal me to stay hidden I have to settle for the gut wrenching nervous belly. Or the dullness of the lithium me is keeping me safe from the evil I see reflected in my mirror and so on.

Today I just have to be honest and genuine with my support network and know that sometimes the train will go off the tracks.

As for the assumptions in mine and others communications there is a true way to offers solutions.

I have made the same mistakes and have offended others. I own that. I once worked in a hospital and it was Christmas. This lady had just lost her her husband. I got so nervous when I encountered her I said “happy new year” I couldn’t correct it without making it worse. I told someone in crisis they had to get a handle on their anger. That was my daughter. We can’t take back these instances.

The choosing comes in here, where we make up our minds to learn about one another. To connect in a true sense. I don’t care if you find out you both have a penchance for pointing out fashion mistakes, find the midfle ground. Without it we can’t direct one another to a successful life.

If you don’t understand what to do then tell that to the person you’re trying to get through to. There’s a lot of power in confessing we don’t have all the answers.

Acceptance is huge.

Say that shit everyday. You and I are equal. I don’t comprehend you’re inability to believe in your own power and I will keep reintegrating the gift I see in you always. Also know we don’t know how you’re put together either. Your confidence is just as puzzling to us as our disposition is to you.

Don’t give up.

As humans we crave intimacy and friendships, we will always need one another. Like it or not we have to get through things together so we might as well enjoy each other, wherever we come from.


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