Cloudy with a chance of insanity

My mantra. I thought about doing a home base business party but I know there would not be any customers. Even when I ask for comments, you know the silly status asking for feedback the silence is deafening. I don’t think it’s bad that I know how it will turn out and save myself the humiliation.

Below is a pic of me after enjoying the best view in a wind storm, something very gorgeous and a huge wave soaked me to the ass. Sometimes you just gotta say

Ffffuuuuucckkkkkkkkk!!!!

But I understand my shit storm is entertaining and keeps me humble so I did smile about it. I have a yoga mat in my van for such emergencies. I sit on it more than I would like to admit.

Apparently I should exercise and eat like I love myself. What says love more than a nap and 4 nanimo bars.

Took me 4 months to lose 8 pounds. Took 3 weeks to gain back 4. I give up. This sucks. I can’t do it. 😭 🐷 😴 😌 #failure wish there were lots of fitness classes to choose from. I would Zumba and kick-box my troubles away.

I have no motivation. I was ecstatic when I tried some clothes on. They all still fit but if I wish to breathe I should move a size or two up, AGAIN!!! Shit!!!

I know I need a push. Over a cliff perhaps.

I have to say tho. Each time I’ve been here I managed to get up.

If my weight was the only issue I’m sure I would have been happy fat or skinny by now.

I sense the coming of danger. I skipped medication a couple times and all my joy seeped out slowly. If you’ve heard of the boiled frog affect that’s how my illness presents. I look back and realize how patient my sickness is. Cooked frog and no cooling off.

The other shoe I’ve waited for is about to drop. The dr won’t fill out my medical, the wedding will flop, my bills won’t get paid, I will give in to the safety of bipolar me.

I feel helpless about my drivers license. I noticed difficulty in focussing and mentioned it to the doctor, kicking myself now. After dealing with specialists here we are at the mercy of some entity that will decide whether I get to drive. My life and happiness always seems so conditional.

This is where the magic happens.

If I let it all the lessons are around me.

My children and grandbabies step in.

All accept me as I am. All love me.

If I only ever have acquaintances it has to be enough because what other choice do I have? Let myself be enveloped by despair?

I have learned so much from each child.

From my eldest two sons I now know my love was enough to let them go. Selfishly I would have kept trying to be a parent before dealing with my addictions.

Patricia taught me about forgiveness after the ministry and people she trusted trespassed against her. She has suffered and hung on like a champ. Her humanity and artistic abilities made me realize the battle is worth it. She was the tester kid and came out an amazing person despite my parenting. Her sisters and her have the gift of sarcasm. People often misinterpret our intentions by what we find hilarious. A little unorthodox and shady.

Bret. If anyone knows about patience it’s this guy. The best at carrying on his great features to his daughter.

Kwai. A good mix of her mum n dad. Oh what can I say about her. She’s perfection and has the heart of a saint. Cares deeply for life and has her mums gentle nature but don’t ever mistake that for weakness. Her mum would blast any interloper.

Joshua. Handsome and witty. The mediator. And how we needed him. The social butterfly. He’s shown me more about friendship than any book or lecture could. From the very beginning he’s been the miracle kid. Again he navigated my practice as a mum. He is not shy about being a mammas boy.

Rachael, in our loud clan she is the petite doll who completes my boy very nicely. I’m lucky to have her and I know she loves all the crazy McLeods.

Benny- the first grandson. As with Kwai I held him while he was sleeping and I learned unconditional love. It made me cry so many times as I gazed on each family member.

He spent an hour working on how to open a container. Once he mastered it he repeated until he was so fast. He managed to pinch his hand, he became more determined but we had to take it away for fear he would really hurt himself. Makes me think about life. Sometimes things that used to work will bite us and we have to try another way. Like medications. That’s just the way it is.

Richard. The hardest working man who has always been the enforcer. Not in a mean way (unless the situation warrants it) he guides those around him. Which is why my phone rang off the hook when he joined the education system. He would conduct unauthorized field trips. The standard question was always “where’s Richard.” Josh and Richard could have taken a comedy act on the road. Like all my babies their sense of humour is ON POINT. He has no idea how good looking he is which makes him even more attractive.

Kyra. Tough. Just plain strong. I’ve watched her become more and more at ease in the last while and I know its hard. She’s shown me how to treat someone gently through our trial and error. Our family’s boisterous nature takes some getting used to.

Autumn. My very first grand. Holy heck this kid. She’s a spitfire. She’s been up against more than many adults and she remains innocent and crazy at the same time. When she’s overstimulated she is very clear about her needs. She has an inmate ability to self direct that I haven’t seen in so called grown ups. I believe she’s one of the people who taught me I need time outs. She a joy.

Grayson, the youngest grandbaby, for the time being. Like all the grands and children he’s perfect. His deep voice and giggle are enough to entertain us for hours. His height and weight are off the charts. I know as we get to know him and his sister the list of attributes will grow.

Michelle is the middle child so she’s had to be a little more outspoken. You will never find anyone who will have your back better than this young lady. I’ve noticed her take a lot of crap from people and get hurt over and over but she gets up each time with a fight in her that will have you looking for cover. Shes made accepting and expressing my feelings a lot easier. In a world where we’re supposed to lay down and take abuse her ability to push the boundaries is a fresh and welcome change.

Abigale is the voice of reason. She’s shown her siblings how to be supportive without assumptions and conditions. Her gifts are many but I would have to say the ones that shine are her compassion and empathy. She’s the hardest on herself as well. She goes to the beat of her own drum and heck if your don’t get it, she’ll shrug and move on.

Katie. My baby girl, a title she will always have with me. She’s taken the most teasing and come out the feistiest gal around. You want a fight? Shes the one to give it to you. She would stand up to every system showing injustice of any kind.

With all these tools I should be able to navigate the challenges of life. I ought to scrap as hard for me as my children would. And believe me when I say the protection for me or their famiy members is fierce and unwavering. I have to trust that each of us will come to realize what others see is viable and nobody is lying when it’s said we are good inside and out.

I have to research and put my life into the hands of those wanting what’s best. If it turns out I lose my license or slip off the rails it won’t be the end of the world even if it feels like it is.

I get tired of people pushing the agenda of I’m choosing to be pathetic and helpless. I doubt If people would go up to a cancer patient and say “quit making the decision to be full of disease” and tell them to think and meditate it away. I reserve the right to say fuck off, in a gentle manner of course.

I embrace those close to me where they are at. I will always be an advocate for the path of maturity taken by me and my children. I will explain calmly but firmly our mental health journey and why we talk/act/feel the way we do. I know it can be difficult to tolerate so I really appreciate anyone trying to understand and not judge. I do practice what I preach am very kindhearted and always open to questions.

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