Today I did not kill myself.
Sounds like a weird thing to list on my days accomplishments
Some other things I have tackled and quit seem more mainstream.
- Doing drugs
- Being the doormat/begging men to love me.
- Trying to have friends
- Being a victim to bullies
- Begging men to love me
- Asking over and over for support or even a simple coffee
- Trying to figure out why some days I just want to scream at everyone.
And feeling. That’s the big one. Isn’t it just too painful? I worry about everything. I want to save all those close to me from the hurts we sometimes have to endure.
It’s been bubbling. The anger. The self hate. The panic attacks. It’s a very bad few days. I hate when people tell me “think positive” I want to say “fuck off with Pollyanna cliches” I place conditions on happiness. If I wasn’t fat, broke, old looking, dumb, and the list goes on.
I didn’t see it happen. I just know the unravelling started the minute I sent in my taxes, for the first time in my life I got money back, but because of an old huge debt the cash was swallowed by the man.
I saw it but tucked it away like you would a thread on a knitted sweater. The denial doesn’t last as the least amount of stress pulls at that loose string. Things unravel quickly. In my head.
Old business that I should have taken care of long ago. I fought. And it seems futile since the cra isn’t a real person that I can seek the mercy of. Or a relationship isn’t people skipping off into the sunset. I also quit being the one who’s always trying.
It’s all stacking up and quire literally it will be the smallest final act that tears and rips away my protective paint.
And so much more. Making sense and being on top of it all.
I’m so tired.
But it’s just stuff. I do have a lot. The actual source of all the absolute bone chilling fear is this fucking illness.
I HATE YOU I SCREAM OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD. What is seen is someone who is unapproachable, intimidating and strong.
Get away from me and take this big ball of shit with you, what is seen is an independent person who needs nobody.
People have no clue. I can be sitting right next to someone and I have an inferno inside. I forget my meds and all that self talk I have goes away.
All that’s left is a frightening aggression that makes me drive everyone away. Nobody fights as hard as I do for me and it gets so disheartening.
Clinging to sanity. It’s like watching a horror movie where the victim is in a situation where there is no escape. As smoke and fire ascend a steel corridor and chokes out the sole survivor.
Performing cpr on a child without a heartbeat but still hoping for a miracle.
Come back one more time I tell myself. One more time. One more time. Please live. I’m on my knees for you. I know it looks like you’re alone. Battle on.
No. No. No. Is what I hear. Why are you so stupid. Everyone says “you choose this” my doctor says “you’re not crazy. Just sick” my heart says you’re broken. The peices need to be picked up one more time.
I know it’s me alone who has to offer the life saving clue. I had so many support systems let me down and people turn their backs on the sick me.
I leave the room where I function and immediately fall apart again as the mask falls away.
In that state I cannot think away or mediate the cure to come. I can control one thing. My breathing.
Breath. Breath. My nose filters out the poison, I exhale the fire away.
“I’m ready mom” I smile and join the living if only doing the motions. I put away those yelling, sweaty urgiings into a glass jar, put the cap on and tell her, I will be hack. It’s soundproofed but I honour the suffering.
I steel myself. Saying I will I Will I will live. For this moment.