Note: This article contains emotional reflections that some readers may find sensitive.
Before you read further, please be aware that this article discusses emotional and sensitive topics, including depression and suicidal thoughts. If you are in a fragile emotional state, please consider seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, contact a helpline immediately:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
International helplines: find a helpline
“Hello darkness, my old friend…” These song lyrics hit me hard every time I hear them. They remind me of all the times I’ve faced my own struggles with depression.
For years, depression was a constant presence in my life. It wasn’t just a passing phase — it became a part of who I am. It felt like we were living under the same roof, an unlikely companion I couldn’t shake off.
Living with depression is more than just feeling sad. It’s like carrying a heavy weight every day, waking up with a dark cloud over your head, and struggling to find the energy to get through the day.
But through all the tough times, depression has taught me a lot. It made me stronger and more understanding of others going through the same thing.
When I call depression my “old friend,” it’s not because I like it. It’s because I’ve learned to recognize and accept it as part of my journey.
It’s about finding ways to live with it and finding hope even in the darkest moments. Despite everything, I’ve come to see that there is always a glimmer of light, even in the deepest darkness.
But it wasn’t always like that. In the first years of living with depression, I didn’t know who I was or that I was even depressed.
The darkest thoughts and glimmer of hope
Having suicidal thoughts, feeling empty, and seeing myself as a victim became a daily routine. I believed nobody would care if something happened to me. Everyone felt like a threat. The world was a dangerous place, and I couldn’t fight it. I wanted to disappear.
I knew I needed help but was afraid to ask. I feared being laughed at if I shared my story. I felt alone in my pain — no one understood me, and I didn’t understand myself. I hated myself and the entire world. I was in the deepest abyss, thinking it would never end.
Common thoughts during the depression were:
- A better life isn’t for me. I don’t deserve it.
- There’s no reason to change or smile.
- I feel safe in this darkness; it’s the only world I know.
- This is who I am — an unadjusted, miserable person no one cares about.
- I should be dead, not alive.
- No one will care if I die, not even my parents.
- There’s nothing that can make me happy.
If you have these thoughts, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I was scared to admit I needed help. I overcame depression on my own, but it was much harder fighting alone.
First, it’s hard to accept where you are. Then, it’s challenging to find the cause of your depression. The hardest part is overcoming depressive thoughts.
But deep within, I had a will to change. I knew there could be a better life. I knew I had to survive depression to help others with the same struggle.
I faced many crises on my way to change until I succeeded. If nothing else, at least I arose stronger from my depression.
I’m grateful I found light in the darkness. I became the light I needed. You can, too.
Who am I? A journey of rediscovering myself
There’s a saying: “When you look into the dark long enough, you start seeing around you.” That’s how I met my fearsome friend, depression. Over time, it wasn’t so big or scary anymore.
When you face it repeatedly, you start to understand it. You get used to the negative thoughts, lethargic movements, and the hollow look in your eyes. It becomes an almost invisible presence, calm and numbing.
I started questioning: Who am I? Am I this darkness and nothingness, or am I much more? How does my depression see me? As a victim of circumstances, a shadow drifting through life, or a wounded soul craving love?
These questions kept swirling in my mind. Every day, it felt like depression was defining my identity. I was constantly battling the thought that maybe this darkness was all I was meant to be. It was a scary and confusing realization. The lines between my true self and the shadow of depression blurred more and more with each passing day.
I pondered: Why do I care what my depression thinks of me? Have I become so intertwined with it that I can’t tell where it ends and I begin? It felt like we were one.
I often wondered if anyone else could see the real me or if they only saw the sadness I carried around. It was exhausting trying to separate my feelings from who I truly was. The depression made me feel like a stranger in my own skin, constantly second-guessing every thought and emotion.
“Why am I in this dark?” I asked darkness, and it answered, “You belong here,” and I believed it. But even in that darkness, I kept moving, thinking, breathing — albeit more slowly and lethargically than others.
You might think that once you escape this darkness, it’s gone for good. Unfortunately, most of the time, that’s not the case. It follows you because it has become a part of you. It can’t live without you.
Once it finds refuge in your life, it never wants to let go. Darkness becomes addicted to you, codependent. Is there a door out of this? Or am I that door?
But deep down, a part of me knew that I was more than just my depression. I started to see glimpses of my true self in moments of clarity. In those rare instances, I felt a spark of hope, a reminder that I could be more than this darkness. I realized that I needed to understand and confront my depression, not just live with it.
I began to reflect on my strengths and passions. What brought me joy before the darkness took over? What made me feel alive and connected to the world? These reflections became a lifeline, helping me to slowly rebuild my sense of self, piece by piece.
It wasn’t an easy journey, and there were many setbacks along the way. But with each small victory, I felt a little more like myself. I started to see that my depression did not define me but my resilience and capacity for growth. My depression was a part of my story, but it was not the whole story.
I began to understand that the relationship I had with my depression was complex. It was a part of me, but it did not own me. I could acknowledge its presence without letting it dictate my entire existence. This realization was empowering and gave me the strength to keep moving forward, even on the darkest days.
In the end, the question “Who am I?” became a journey of rediscovery. I learned I have dreams, passions, and a deep capacity for love and empathy. My depression might walk beside me, but it does not walk in my shoes. I am not just the darkness; I am the light that keeps shining through.
Living with depression and finding ways to cope
Living with depression is like having an ever-present friend by your side. Remember — accepting depression doesn’t mean giving up. Instead of fighting it off completely, it’s about finding ways to keep living, laughing, and enjoying life, even when it feels really hard.
Some people might not understand, but that’s okay. It’s important to know that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. By accepting and staying strong, you’ll find that even in the toughest times, there are still moments of joy and connection waiting for you.
Embrace the pain as a part of your life, and seek the support you need. Remember, you’re not alone, and there is always hope.