How death has prompted me to revisit childhood memories

Paying respects to the past and the people who cared for us.

The funeral home had a calm atmosphere. It is a sunday sunny morning after three days straight of rain and cloudy days. Everyone is calm, warm and fuzzy. The body of my childhood nanny is in the casket. A heavy slow feeling comes to me. The presence of death reminds me of life changes.

All the family of the deceased was present. Her two daughters. Her grandsons and other people I didn’t know. Arround 15 people and a couple more outside the funeral home.

The situation takes me back to my home, the apartment in front of the bay with our caregiver listening to radio “el clarín“. She smoked like a chimney, cooked tasty Milanesa (Uruguayan beef schnitzel). She spent a lot of time with us.

Her name was Olga, she had blue eyes and blond hair and had a wild look in her eyes. She lived with us in the service room of the flat. She was our nanny throughout all our childhood. She was sixty-something when she started working with us, she was way older when she retired.

She would go to her home on the weekends. But her presence was felt all the time. Her bedroom smelled of hand-folded cigars and sweat that could be smelled from the door. She spent a lot of time in her room, smoking.

Her memory confronts me with my childhood. The good, The bad. I Didn’t like many things about my childhood. But I see the good in the heart of all these flawed characters.

Like Olga. she was a good woman. I disliked her cigar smell. she was too loud for me. She had her radio on all day. A Strong and raspy voice. But she saw me and liked me. She was this loud character and I was going through some bad things in my childhood, but she wasn’t one of them.

I felt lonely from time to time. I didn’t trust my parents. My father was manipulative and my mother had her issues she needed to take care of.

Things are better now. My mother has an awesome life and learned to manage herself better. My father is old and grumpy and I don’t need to see him now like I used to back then. My independence from him was one of the most memorable moments I cherish.

The painful moments of my childhood stain the glass through which I see this time in my past. I still remember the feeling, the need to go into my bedroom and disconnect from everything. I recognize It wasn’t a good time for me. I am much better now.

The thing I got from all of this is how the emotion of the time colored the memory of the person and how now being in a better place emotionally and mentally I can see her with her flaws and her virtues.

I am a better person from having known her. Her happy ways. Her energy. Her positive attitude. Some of her honest good heart is still part of who I am. May she rest in peace.