What purpose, passion and meaning have in common? “What is for you?” and how to find what you love.
Are you doubting your path too much? Does this generate uncertainty in you? Are you envious of people and does that make you doubt the core beliefs you hold?
What if I told you that is not ok? This discomfort is a sign your life is not aligned with the deep needs of your heart.
In this article, I bring to you what for me was a solution to find what is for you in your path.
Read this article to organically find what is in your path and adds to your happiness. You are going to find things in your life aligned with your deep heart needs.
Personal Story
There was nothing that I wanted. I was disgusted with the world. With people. With myself. After the breakup, there was nothing that I would find joy in doing that I liked. Then after I stopped doing what I was doing, I saw myself differently.
The hobbies I liked I didn’t enjoy anymore. One reason I took guitar was for the connection with people. I gave it a chance but that component wasn’t there for me anymore.
I saw myself alone, not wanting to share music anymore. Now I see it as one more thing that we didn’t share with my ex.
I would read personal development books and I still love to read. The books I read during my most painful days after the break up are to this day very dear to me. But the personal development that I looked for now was something deeper. I was ready for the next level of knowledge. Because now I was ready to understand it and process it. The bigger leap I felt was from experiencing the profound pain of the loss of someone I loved completely and that was part of my identity. My awareness woke up from a deep slumber and I started to trust my internal observer with the way he drives the attention and the focus of my reality.
How it has served me
What is for you? This sentence has saved me so much time and sweat. This is my new North Star. Nothing like having your life aligned with your heart. This is what I have realized and has changed the way I see life.
In some sense, it is like what Mark Manson Calls “the subtle art of not giving a fuck”. I don’t recall much of his book, but he summarizes everything in a sentence “We have a limited amount of fucks to give, choose wisely”.
In this article, I explore the art of knowing “what is for you. It is a positive psychology process on the same principle. Choosing what belongs to your life and what is better left out. Spend your energy on what gives you instead of what takes or gives you nothing.
Sometimes we are so unconscious that this process doesn’t take place. But knowing about this process, and gaining insight into how to engage in it, is the start of a better life. Hope this article sparks the flame of awareness in you.
We are about to start a fire in you. Let’s go.
Your past is not your present
It is difficult to see life through new lenses. The difficulty lies in the pattern recognition of the mind. You recognize a pattern. Then you see it everywhere.
First, you recognize a pattern. That requires you to go to a certain place in your mind. Then you get a good feeling from that. Last you identify with the idea of the pattern. You become biased toward recognizing that pattern even if it is not useful in the new particular scenario. To know what is for you you need to get unstuck and out of old patterns. This only comes from the recognition of old patterns.
When your mind controls you, then your past becomes your present. If you don’t see how it is controlling you, you are caught in a feedback loop you can’t escape.
Your best chance is to raise your awareness, and to see your thought process. Then you can see if the main input directing our thoughts is our past thoughts or if it is based on renewed input from the unconscious.
“Your past is not your present” has to do with breaking chains with identity. I identified as a thinker. I used arguments to decide everything. I was determined by my past. And so I was totally constricted in my path of development. Now I learned to trust my emotions and listen to them. They are now an essential part of my guiding system. They let me know what resonates with me and what doesn’t.
Emotions aid the process of directing you to something aligned with your heart. They will make it clear to you even when you are stuck that you are uncomfortable with how your story is presented in front of you. Listen to that discomfort if you want your present to be different from your past.
What was my escape from the prison of the mind? It was discomfort. A discomfort that was unbearable. That is when I realized that I was not my thoughts and became observant of my emotions and thoughts. I successfully became more detached from the voice and images triggering me from the inside. I call this voice the ego.
What is for me?
This is the story of how I broke out of old patterns. When I realized that I am not my mind, It became obvious to me that my mind was leading me, and that it was a pretty bad leader. It was making me do things that looked good. I was engaged with things that made sense to me. I learned lots of great skills to have. Lots of things that I benefited from in the long run. But I was missing being aligned with my heart. With my cuore as the Italians say. The same root as core or center. So you see I wasn’t aligned with my center. I was occasionally touching that deep connection. Feeling it. But never so intentionally, so clearly as now. After I realized my core is me, I started a best-friend relationship with myself. I really care for my emotions, my needs, and what messages they bring to me.
Being aware brought the understanding that everything the mind thinks is not for me. Just the things that resonate with my heart deeply. I realized that there is a deeper truth in the emotions that arise that the mind doesn’t grasp.
I don’t give a fuck
I wasn’t always like this. I was needy from feeling neglected and not having my needs met. As a child, I felt my emotions didn’t matter because that was what my parents showed me. Then went into repression of every emotion I felt shame to show them. Then repression led to sadness. Then there was repression of the sadness. And then there were dark nights of the soul. Deep sadness that hasn’t been acknowledged rebels and causes chaos inside. A really deep whole of depression.
But after evolving as a person I got better at understanding my needs. If I have needs I need to pay attention to I don’t give a fuck, I will take care of them. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m not afraid that my choices leave me being by myself doing something or thinking something if I think is right.
The conflict between needs is real. It is there every day. You need to connect with the other. You need to take care of your own. This needs will clash. When you comunicate you have this imagined emotion process the other person goes through that you check with in order that you don’t destroy our chances of connection with the other. And these things clash constantly with your needs of validation and your values.
In order to have healthy boundaries you need to clearly state your needs to yourself. You need to understand them clearly. You need to be able to articulate them. Then you need to have the courage to say them even if the imagined emotion of the other person is negative. You need to be brave and confident.
Healthy detachment: everything Shall pass
The king asked the scholar to write in a golden ring the wisdom he needed to overcome the really bad situations he had to face. And a piece of wisdom to overcome the complacency of the good times when everything is easy and everything seems to give in to the king’s will. The scholar carved the sentence “This too shall pass”.
(Link for the story of this piece of wisdom)
You need this kind of healthy detachment when you are looking for what is for you. Because there are tons of things out there. And many look amazing. Shiny and pleasurable and the complete package. But as you will learn or have learned, life is not about the pleasures you enjoy. It is about the pains you endure joyfully because of a higher purpose that internally motivates you.
Don’t pay attention to things that aren’t for you. Your attention is the energy you have to invest in what is for you. Invest it wisely.
The pain of changing is better than the pain of coping
I overcame most of the toughest situations in my life through a ton of pain. Psychological Pain. The pain of uncertainty. The pain of attachment. Unnecessary pain.
And now I am here, telling you it is never easy, but somehow you need to choose the pain of change over the pain of staying the same. There is something better at the end.
You will avoid the discomfort of changing like the plague. It is our natural instinct as humans. But you need to know there is something better behind every change. You need to follow your path in other to get there, listen to that inner voice of hope.
Hope is this mechanism we call on when we are at our breaking point. And breaking is good. To build you need to break. When about to make a real change you physically feel the break. Try and see what is breaking. See what is breaking. Is it your relationship with the love of your life? This person that you promised yourself that you would love even if it hurts? Is it your career? This thing that is sustaining you and allows you to be free, but is slowly drying up your soul? Is it your identity? That thing you are so attached to that you barely realize it is not you? Try and see what is breaking in order to choose the pain of change and stop the suffering.
The levels of the question asked, “What is for me?”
The first level, the mind
Deciding what is going to be part of your life at the level of the mind takes the form of questions. “What do I need to do?”, “What do I enjoy?”, “What am I good at?”, “What can I do for money”, “What can I do to add some joy to my day?” etc…
The answer is superficial and doesn’t mean much until you can connect any of the answers your mind gives you with your observed behavior. If you watch your behavior and know yourself then some of these answers will be useful (the part that resonates with your observed behavior).
The second level, the character and identity
Identity comes as the things you identify with, consciously or subconsciously. It is hidden in plain sight. It determines how you see yourself. Character is the natural tendencies you have from birth. You can see them, they are obvious to most people but you. They accompany you through your time on this earth. See in your identity what things are there for you. See your character and try to recognize what you like, and what you don’t like. Weaknesses and Strengths.
Identity is you are a writer if you see most of the time you spend writing. If you spend your time introspecting you are introspective. If you spend time reading you are a reader. If you spend your time learning you are a learner. How you spend your time is a big clue of what is your identity.
Your identity is also where you put your attention. Your identity is as someone who cares if you observe yourself caring for the emotions of others. You pay attention to their emotions. Your identity is an ideas person if you pay attention to ideas. Or you are a deductive thinker if you pay attention to the connections between events and the common threads.
Is important to always be aware of both because you want to choose things that are for you that align with your natural character and identity.
Also, it’s good to choose activities that will mitigate the shadow of your character.
Personally I am introverted. The shadow of my introversion is the little time I spend exercising my social muscle. I need to work on my social skills. Therefore I rationally choose to engage in activities that expose me to engage with people and communicate. I learned how to improve my communication.
Choose things to do aligned with your character, but always mitigate the negative effects of your character’s shadow.
Shadow work is one of the most enriching part of the process of personal development and growth. I will write about that kind of work in future articles.
Service
Something very powerful happens when we serve. We have more energy. We connect. We feel love. See what is for you when you serve. Try it and see. Suppose you like giving some advice. What topics do you like talking about? What can you teach? What people ask you about. See if there are things that life has been putting in front of you and it is for you to take and develop that things to see what that can turn into.
Service connects you with people. It is very powerful. All rewards you will receive are in relation to that capacity to connect and serve people. Economical and otherwise.
See what people need. Care for people. Do something aligned with your preferences. You will ignite a flame in you.
The question for “What is for me?” can have any number of answers.
And having a good answer that aligns your path with where your heart points is key to a fulfilling life. It is part of finding pleasure, happiness, purpose, manifesting your true self.
Asking the right questions
Do I need to study this or that? Would I enjoy this or that hobby? Would I go out to the park or go for a weekend retreat to a cabin in the woods? Do I enjoy programming or do I enjoy being with my thoughts by myself and enjoy writing? Am I good for sports or do I only enjoy the occasional camaraderie soccer match with the guys? What is really me? What is part of what I need to bring into this world? What is a passing pleasure that makes my anxiety and worry disappear?
Ask this and many more questions. These questions will lead to an open mind. You can explore the different answers and find what suits you. Exploration is the name of the game. Leads to guide you in this exploration I am going to mention.
Making the decision every day about what you need to do for yourself, what you need to engage in, and what is for you are the decisions that will put you on the path of growth.
Choosing what is for you will bring many benefits. Just to name a few it brings agency into your life. The joy of choosing your path for yourself. Because no one knows better what you need to do! When you choose you are accountable for your decisions. No blaming anyone. You take charge of your successes and your failures. From that responsibility, you will develop more skills. When you choose you start putting things on your path that ignite your passion. Now you feel energized and motivated. You won’t skip putting in the work. You will become unstoppable.
Keep in mind the context I am writing this from I am comfortable living my dream of traveling the world. This is possible because of the decisions I made. So thinking and planning how to obtain these resources at a reasonable cost has enabled me to follow my dreams. See what is the cost of your decisions and if you are willing to pay it. See that it doesn’t cost you something that is super dear to you, that you would choose for yourself. But think about what would you do for money. In that department, choosing what is for you will help you make more money than choosing something that you just don’t have the will to do. From that point of view knowing what is for you is very valuable.
Bring Character into consciousness
Heraclitus wisely said, “Character is destiny”. Because we will engage in our personal trait preferences over and over and over again. And that over time, like the wheel of a Carriage on the mud road, makes destiny. Destiny is like this road we go over so many times that we make a path in the road. It is better to know what your inborn preferences, bring them to the consciousness in order to stop fighting with destiny. You need to have a good relationship with destiny. One that will bring peace and joy to your life. One that will produce the kind of effects you are looking for.
Choose their choice or your choice?
People get lost in the groups and choices they make when their preferences are not clear. We all have been there. It is worth asking yourself whether you are meant to live somebody else’s life or you have the strength to live your own life. Be brave and live your life. At the end of life, people repent of the path not taken.
If you have been questioning your life. This is a sign that you may have some decisions to make. This is my post on decisions you can check it out. Decisions will make you grow like nothing you have ever done.
FOMO is a trap, when it’s FOMO it’s not for you
You need to understand where this FOMO thought comes from. It comes from a place that is not authentic and can damage you. To avoid FOMO, challenge your emotions and see what need they are arising from.
What human need is behind the feelings of FOMO? If it is just a rush to do what everyone else is doing, is it anxiety to be productive or to enjoy an activity? These are all superficial and have no need behind them. An activity with a need behind it will be different. If you are moved to act from the lack of adventure, the need for connection, the need to learn something new, or to challenge yourself then there is an internal need that is motivating you. That is different from simple FOMO or rationalization. You need to be nuanced in how these things feel very different. This will help you enormously to clear your path to see what is for you by eliminating all these false purposes that society and groups (your family included) push into you and you may adopt as a purpose but they are really things that belong to somebody else.
Emotions and what is for you
Emotions play an important role. What is for you will energize you. It can be challenging, but it is a challenge that you are happy to take on. The emotions will be of high energy. You will be thinking of these activities. You will be most happy to do them. See yourself when you engage in activities. See your emotional state. You will find that all these things you keep engaging in generate a self-propelling emotion of happiness, you feel in the moment not thinking about anything else. The things that are for you connect you with the present. Because they are their own reward. They may take some practice to do but the little frustration will be more than compensated by the happiness they bring.
Beyond your comfort zone
Things that are for you will call you to engage in a more extreme way. You will be interested in overcoming that comfort zone and seeing what is there beyond what you already know. The mix of adrenaline and joy will be exhilarating.
Discovering what is yours
Connect the dots. If you are a calm soul there are tons of ways you can have a calm activity that feels just like home and fills you with joy. Maybe meditation. Reading a good book. Eating delicious food. Hiking. Drawing. Surfing. Playing an instrument. Writing your thoughts. Creating online. Calm souls propel humanity on its path to greatness by building, curating, generating culture, and refining the subtle art of living.
If you are an active squirrel go and make your body move. Engage in dance. Run. Go into social events and start a conversation with someone that you don’t know. Pick up a martial art. Dance. You are called to make your own path.
There is something for everyone.
See in your history what you are more prone to do, what you enjoy more, what your natural character is inclined to engage in, and what you value more. Anecdote: I love sitting in a place and taking it in. I love drawing and seeing something to take in all its small details. It’s something that tranquilizes me and connects me to this moment. I get joy from it. I discover drawing sceneries is for me.
The internal dialogue
Your need to be aware of the internal dialogue in your mind. Until then you will be its slave. Once you are aware of it you can start to choose what you tell yourself. There are many things that you tell yourself that are not conducive to you enjoying or engaging in new activities that may be for you.
The key here is to recognize the negative self-talk and see if there is any socially detrimental activity you may be engaging in. If everything is ok then kick that negative inner dialogue out of the curve!
Enjoy like a kid
Things that are for you will feel like child’s play. Childs play in the most free form way. Kids don’t carry so much baggage. Their play has not any rationalization, or ulterior motive. Kids play for the sake of playing and joy. If it feels like childs play, it is for you!
Bring the unconscious to the concious
Finding these gems, these things that are yours, that you engage in and that add to your life without taking is a process of bringing what is in the unconscious to the conscious. You can get clues asking your unconscious. You can get clues in dreams. See what comes from the unconscious, it already knows what is for you. You just need to go there and reach out.
What does your work and your fun have in common?
Many things that are for you have similar characteristics of things you already daily engage in. See what your work in. Specifically, what do you do in your work? See if it relates to something you do when you have fun. If there is a pattern you see try and see what other things could be for you that have that same characteristic. Do you work writing on paper? Do you enjoy writing in your free time? Writing may be for you. Do you work on connecting abstract ideas into practical actions? Do you enjoy talking about abstract ideas connecting with each other? What about you do some content doing just that?
Keep trying new things
How will you know what is for you if you never tried? Try something that scares you. Try something outside your comfort zone. Keep engaging with the new and undiscovered. Life is a mystery only you can solve. Engage with the mystery. Go free diving. Go ride a motorcycle in a country you have never been to. Talk to someone you would have never talked to.
Self-motivating actions
What do you do without any promise of pay or benefit? What things bring joy just by doing them? What things would you do even if you didn’t have to worry about money or time ever again?
What are human needs?
Human needs are not talked much about. It has something to do with society and control. If people are ignorant of their needs, they are more needy and easy to control. That is why we need to talk more about human needs. A lovely book called “Non-violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg explores this topic and many more from the point of view of human communication.
In simple terms, needs are what the word implies and you need to take care of them in order to have a healthy happy existence as a human.
I identified the needs in me of validation, connection, joy, nature, adventure and exploration, creation, telling my own story, nutrition. All of them are very important. I see they are taken care of. I can care for all my needs myself and so can you. This for me is the very definition of an adult, an individual that has developed strategies for taking care of their own needs effectively.
You need to take care of your needs. See how you can engage in taking care of these needs. What actions are aligned with serving your need and with your personal preference (prefered way of taking care of them)?
Actionable advice
Incorporate as a practice seeing the needs behind every decision you need to make.
Incorporate being aware of the inner dialogue you are in right now.
Do you have any trauma connected with what you need to do? You need to heal that trauma to have a chance to enjoy the activity. What did your parents want you to do? This is part of the programming you have in your head. Before discovering what is for you, you need to realize you carry lots of programs from your parents and what they wish you did/study/work/live. What persona did you adopt as a child? If you had it rough, or you had it easy, you may have adopted a persona accordingly. You could have adopted the persona of the victim. Victimhood can limit the range of things you can engage in. Having not overcome any challenge may also have cut your fighting spirit and you may need to see how to enjoy challenges and develop a resilient mindset.
Summary
Hope that fire is raging and about to consume you. The fire of passion, motivation, love, and self-care. The fire of seeing life as a project to find what is for you. There are people, activities, places, philosophies, animals, foods, movies, experiences awaiting for you to discover them. Let them in. Once you open the envelope, let them take you. See how your emotions talk to you. See how this experience taste and feel. They can be your next favourite thing. You never know untill you try.
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