Feeling Emotional on Mother’s Day

— emotions? a first for as long as I can remember

짧은 인생 중 적어도 반 이상은 감정없는 인간으로 살아온 결과,…

Neither Thanksgiving in the States, nor worldwide holidays of NY’s and Xmas ever made me sad to be alone in any way, mostly in terms of being physically apart from my family. I’ve grown too used to the desolation of empty streets and closed restaurants in the US to be bothered by spending the biggest South African holidays and long weekends on my own. In fact, SA accorded me pleasant surprises of being less off-day-centered than the US (ft. surprisingly available number of places for food/drinks, open venues and people to socialize who weren’t locked up at homes with family, etc.). Suffice it to say I’ve got nothing for either any (Korean, American, whatever) holidays or any celebratory bullshit.

But now, after these presumably greater ‘hurdles’ are done with for my solo stay in SA, this relatively minor holiday called ‘Mother’s Day’ — in the same month as the Korean ‘Parent’s Day’ — is making me truly sad on the inside.

Going grocery shopping at Woolie’s just to see dads and their sons pick up prettily arranged flowers for their wife/mom… Even if just for the sake of celebration, these little things that do something to express their love for moms. Seeing all these ‘mother’s day specials’ offered by the best restaurants in town, not to mention the events people fashionably take their mothers out to. For once, I feel somewhat sorry that I’m not with my family. No way to even try to express my infinite gratitude for my own mom, because how will I even get close without it coming off as customary (like a letter or a message or even a gift parcel)?

나만의 행복을 찾을 수 있도록 온갖 자유를 평생 누리도록 해주는 우리 엄마 = possibly, what I’m most thankful for and will simultaneously apologize for, since we’ve clashed precisely in regards to my freedom. But more so than anything, thankful because this is a decisively distinguishing factor of hers that makes her so singularly awesome.

to the only one looking at the camera ❤

내 인생에서 가장 오해 가득한 인간관계. Of the many types and multitude of interpersonal relationships in my life, my relationship with my mom is invariably most plagued with misunderstandings. This is not only due to our inherently different personality types, but also because of my hopelessly unexpressive nature. I just will never pluck up the guts to utter the simple words ‘I love you.’ Ironic, considering she has to be the one I love most, right? Also because — or so I justify for myself — it’s just a given how much I love my mother (shit, I said it). I just suck at showing my love to those who matter most because I may be shy but more because the more I mean it, the more I suck at expressing sincerity. She has also had to suffer with this because…

I will remain incredibly sorry for all that my dearest mother has had to go through, just for having to raise me. (She’s done a fine job though, (; so hopefully the trouble was worth it…) In complete honesty, the sheer bitchiness I unintentionally exerted upon her — literally all my life, to much regret — was wholly unwarranted (thanks to the peculiar temper I get from… guess who, my dad who is my favorite person deserving of all my love and respect).

I can only wish there was ever a sufficient way to express the amount of love, gratitude and respect for this amazing human being. Before she’s a mom, or anything else for that matter, I wish to send kudos to how amazing she is all-around, simply for who she is — as a person, a woman, a scholar, an inspiration, and unconditionally my personal cheerleader. I’d be lucky to even acquire a portion of the sheer greatness she harnesses.

Because of how I’d never justify myself enough to reciprocate her immense love, care and support for me,
because of the amount of shit I put her through these last 22 years without meaning to,
because of what little I can do to celebrate the very core of my existence on this thing called ‘Mother’s Day’,

I’m feeling a tad bit emotional to be a daughter so far away from the reason I exist, and the defining element of who I am.

I hope this does more than the casual message I sent mom a couple hours ago. It’ll never do justice to the feelings, but I tried.