Christmas Is A Charming Guy

CHRISTMAS. The most charming holiday of them all. Christmas is that guy you can’t get over. Christmas always looks good in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Christmas knows how to cook Mexican food. You’re all like, GOD DAAMN, Christmas! Yo Mama teach you to steam tamales like this? Christmas can convince a Jewish man to take the word ‘Christmakah’ seriously. Christmas makes cleaning the house during the holidays a priority and he’s good with kids…like really good. Christmas knows when you need another cocktail.

Christmas whispers in your ear and says, “You know you want me,” and he’s absolutely right. Who doesn’t want an excuse to spend money, receive presents, decorate, take days off work, throw parties, and eat and drink like they’ve got 2 weeks to live? That’s what Christmas compels you to do. Maybe he doesn’t make you do all of these things, but Christmas has definitely convinced you do one of them, and you do it hard. Like you’ll never be able to do it again, hard. There’s a lunatic tree decorator reading this right now thinking, She’s right. I don’t throw holiday parties, but Christmas and I get all up IN that motherflippin tree business.

Christmas let’s you do all the talking. Sure, if you ask him, he’ll tell you about himself, Jesus Christ and the Mary, Joseph situation— but only if you ask. If you’d rather talk about eggnog and how ‘Love Actually’ is the best Christmas movie ever, he’s down. AND he’s the most amenable holiday out there. If you want to go to church with Christmas, he’s in his best suit. If you want to get drunk and make out with Christmas, he brings the mistletoe. If you want to protest, he calls all the local news outlets so you get as much coverage as possible, and if you want to cry with him, Christmas makes damn sure that you randomly get a text message from an out of touch friend that says, Thinking about you this time of year, or something along those lines, because Christmas never wants you to feel alone. Christmas loves gay people, atheists, women, Haitians and Pat Robertson. I know this because Christmas works at Best Buy and he offers all these people the exact same deal on TVs and smart phones. No matter what religion you are, Christmas wants you to know you have enough money to buy whatever the fuck you want. Christmas gets in your head and in your dreams and you start plotting the future whenever he’s around. You start planning to do big things, or finish small ones. You start making promises to books on the shelf, and gym shorts in the hamper, and in-laws you can’t stand because Christmas makes you want to succeed, conquer, DO. He’s one hell of a life-coach, friend, spiritual leader and drinking buddy. Christmas brings hope and a decently priced bottle of red. And Christmas always shows up with the up people you love most.

Merry Christmas.

(written Dec 2013)