I’m not ok and that’s ok

After receiving a diagnosis and coming up with an agreeable treatment plan, you go through stages of grief. It’s pretty typical no matter the ailment. When you’ve been suffering from a chronic condition that’s been mostly in remission for a while, it’s tough to keep a brave face because you’re tired of going through this. Again.

I very quickly became mad. Mad at myself for thinking I could relax and be safe. Mad that my stupid body was once again failing me. Mad that I’d finally gotten in a good place mentally. Just mad. I thought anger would help.

But then grief came along. Stupid useless grief made me feel stupid and useless. Grief momentarily paralyzed me with fear. It would be so easy to fall into a pit of despair and I understand why some people do.

So I quickly moved to denial. Never followed the rules so my stages of grief did their own thing. In order to get out of the rabbit hole of depression, I found myself saying things like, it’s not that bad. People ask me how I am and I’d say fine, or ok, or something empty. I was saying it for me, but for them too. Don’t want people to worry or look at me like I’m dying.

But then I realized today, after talking to my wonderful doctors assistant, that I have to allow myself to be honest. This sucks. This really sucks. I’m certain it will get better, but for now my reality is that I’m in pain every day. I’m struggling holding it together. I’m experiencing side effects that are affecting my daily life. And it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

And the truth is, I’m a little scared. There it is. I’m scared of the unknown. Hoping this treatment works, not knowing what might happen. Knowing the next 6 months of my life will be a question mark.

But that phone call today really clarified that it’s ok for me to be honest that I’m not ok. It’s ok to be honest and ask for things I need at work, at home, with friends and my community. The future of my health is dependent on my honesty about what’s really going on with me. And it’s also dependent on the support I receive from my medical providers and the people in my life. They can’t help me if I’m not honest.

But I was also reminded that I’m not alone. I’ve already received tremendous support from the people in my life. But knowing I have that support from my medical community is so priceless. She told me they are with me, every step of the way. They will intervene for me if needed. Both of my specialists contact me between appointments to check up on me. It’s every patient’s dream to be this supported.

I think it’s really important for people suffering to know that they need to allow themselves to not be ashamed of what they’re going through. You’re not wallowing in self pity and you don’t have to think positively. You should be allowed to be honest about what you’re going through without being ashamed or fear appearing weak. People shouldn’t expect you to be brave. You will be better prepared to deal with the situation if you are honest with yourself and those around you will be more prepared to support you too. And I guess that’s acceptance.