Choices
Lately, I feel as if my body is a battleground, fighting not just the cancer, but the side effects from the treatment that’s supposed to keep the cancer at bay.
The agenda for last few weeks has included radiation, fatigue and esophagitis from the radiation, new and increased medication, and side effects from that medication of more fatigue, loss of appetite, vomiting, diarrhea, and weight loss. Not exactly a party.
In the midst of this, it’s hard to remember that I have choices. That I don’t have to just accept feeling like this and that I have some control over my body and my treatment. If I get to the point where the cure is worse than the disease, it’s well within my rights to call uncle.
And I did that yesterday. I reached the point where it became clear that a life of sleep, barely eating, and feeling exhausted was no way to live. This feels especially profound as I think ahead three weeks to our planned trip to Europe. While this is decidedly a first world problem, it symbolizes for me how far I am from living a full life. While the trip can certainly be cancelled, it does feel like my last opportunity to travel abroad given how things are going.
So I let my oncologist know what was happening and so far, she’s reduced my dose, but I am prepared to ask her to take me off this medication entirely. And if there are other options, great, and if there aren’t, that’s ok. I’d rather live a shorter life that’s full than one where going to the grocery store feels herculean.