The Reality Of 2021
I came into the year prepared for pleasant surprises; I never thought they would shake the core of my being and throw me off guard. If I could foresee what was ahead, I would enter the year with dread. At first, there was a calm, and then there was a storm. January approached, and it was warm; love was in the air. I met my love and hoped for more. More love, more joy, lord, please. It was a prayer I prayed.
“ 2021 is going to be the best year,” I told myself, but I wasn’t aware of the storm. I dreamed big and hoped for the best. Let me be honest; I thought this year would be a 10/10, perfect.
February came, and I was blown away; I saw God’s love manifest so beautifully in a man, and I was *surprised*. March came, yes, I made mistakes, but it didn’t change the fact that I was saved by His grace. I stumbled into sin, but I rose and ran back to Him, right back to His loving arms. This was the beginning of my marathon. April came, and I thought, “ I’m turning 23; this is it, the legendary year” If you are a sports fanatic, you know what I mean. I was hopeful.
The months after my birthday, well, they were a blur. The past came knocking at my door, and this time I was there; I had no choice but to let it in. The past crashed my damn door, violated it. The Undealt and unfelt emotions came rushing in like a rushing wind, and floods leaked and caused damages in my area code. My mind was reminded of everything I felt, heard and experienced from the age of 5 and onwards(I can’t remember the exact age).
Mental Health struggles came about. I’ve dealt with it before; I was 13, and I vandalised my arms and tried to erase the pain with some tablets. But this time, it came in full force. I never learned how to speak and let myself heal, so I faked it until I made it. I was so good at it that I pushed a lot of memories to the back of my mind and almost forgot it. That’s good, right, wrong; it all came back and caused me to have episodes of emotional breakdowns, eventually catching up and impacting me physically. Unless you have experienced mental health, you cannot understand. You can empathise to an extent, but that pain, well, it’s insane. It’s not a myth; it’s real. I was hurting and thought I had support, but many were quick to speak instead of lending me an ear to hear what I was experiencing. I am grateful for the ones that listened. I found it hard to speak to God because I felt like everything I was experiencing was due to something I did. I didn’t know how to go to Him and tell Him I was hurting.
This year I understood what anxiety, depression and PTSD were because I experienced them. I’m not writing this for empathy but to encourage people to listen and pray. Discern and treat your friends and families uniquely. God didn’t create us all to be identical, so tough love may not work for some, ask the Holy Spirit, and He will help you know what to do.
I learned to crawl on all 4s. I started taking antidepressants; I couldn’t control my feelings and the visions (flashbacks). I needed help, and I believe God told me to go to therapy in May, so I started. I experienced some side effects and stopped; I wasn’t sleeping, my mind kept racing, and I stopped therapy because I kept facing the thoughts and flashbacks; I didn’t want to relive any of it. My first counsellor was a Christian; my second was through the NHS. The NHS counselling was great, but it was a wait, so I struggled to sleep and sometimes overate when I was alone. Oversleeping, daydreaming, and constant tears streaming down my face. I was hurting, and I felt deserted. Nobody understood. Well, how could they? They weren’t me.
The months went by, April, May, June, and July I asked the Lord why? August, September, and October, these months took longer. I wanted to end my life sometimes; other times, I just wanted to ease the pain. My faith was small because I hated this storm. Memories came to the surface. So I learned to crawl, walk and talk, and eventually run back to Him. God became more than just a friend; He was there even when I couldn’t see clearly. My words were few, but I was honest, and allowed myself to be real with Him. I prayed I cried, I stayed, and I tried. I tried to read His words (Bible), but how can you think clearly when you can’t think? With the words buried deep within me, I believed he was here. I asked God for forgiveness over sins I allowed back in; I let Him step in. I asked for forgiveness because I intentionally vandalised His temple (Me). I was not alone, and He told me that, He never left me, but I couldn’t hear because I was hurting; my whole world was shaken. I learned to speak of his goodness when I couldn’t see it and sing of His love when I couldn’t feel it. My faith was growing again like a child.
October came, and it was filled with pain. At first, I was ready to start living again and return to work; that was my plan. What used to be difficult was getting easier, and of course, I had new coping mechanisms. But then came October, another storm crept over and destroyed what was left. Remember, I had hope again and learned how to speak. What came next made me weak. This storm changed the trajectory of my life — a nightmare. I lost my cousin; her life was taken away. I have experienced loss, but this was enough to return me to that dark place. I can’t explain the reality of this trauma. But from hearing the news, I have felt every emotion I have never felt before. So I took steps back and became silent. I withdrew once I knew she was gone. My voice became words on my phone; I wrote a lot because it helped me process and make sense of this dreadful sin committed against my cousin. I was hurting, but this time it wasn’t a valley; it was a dark spot where nobody could come and visit. I don’t want to continue explaining, but I know I was hurting and felt lost. I felt hopeless, and my faith was shaken.
Life isn’t fair, and it wasn’t fair. I wanted to blame someone, so I did. I blamed God, and I was upset with Him, and I was in and out of conversations, seeing if He could make it clear why she wasn’t near. I asked difficult questions, and I was really, really honest. I became bitter and angry. I was hurting.
It’s still October (writing this in December), and I am learning to live again, walk and talk; please bear with me. I am human, so some days, I may scream, get angry, and leave to breathe because this hurt is suffocating.
My cousin left many reminders of her beautiful heart; one was how I returned to God. It was a Sunday morning, we made our way to church, and I remember we spoke about God and the church we were attending on the journey there. I gave him the glory that morning as I returned to Him. Though she is gone, she helped me believe. I am ending this year without her here physically, but I carry a piece of her kindness and love in my heart, and though it isn’t enough for me, it will keep me going until we meet.
2021 came with surprises, not ones I expected, but they helped me appreciate what was left, my family and those God chose. I am running back to Him and will continue to. I’m not afraid of the future, and please hear me when I say God cares about every detail of life, and He has always cared about you.
Prayer
May the peace and Joy of God be with you in every storm, may you see God’s hands wrap around you, and I pray you stay near and know that he cares and loves you. I pray that everything currently hurting you will grow your faith and allow you to see God in the beauty of who He is. The Alpha and Omega. He is good and will always be. May 2022 be everything God has planned for you, and I pray you put Him first and that you love yourself the way He loves you. Be kind to yourself because there is only one of you. I pray for all of the above in Jesus Name, Amen.
If you made it this far, leave a comment and clap for yourself and me, this was an emotional piece. So feel free to cry also don’t forget to follow and share this.
