Harvey Weinstein’s ‘Apology’ Letter: Written in Subtext
4 min readOct 10, 2017
I think we can all agree Harvey's got some issues. Getting fired from his own company and a third of his board stepping down (yay, actual consequences for being a sh*t person!) are just a few. He also has a little trouble with subtext, so I decided to go ahead and translate his 'apology' letter. Here's that translation:I came of age in the 60’s and 70’s, when people could get away with being pieces of flaming human garbage without consequence. Everyone was doing it, which obviously meant it was a-ok. No one worried about causing lifelong trauma to another human being. It just wasn't a thing you brought up in polite conversation.
Since then, I've been caught being a seizure-inducing Totinos pizza roll-faced shart pile a whole bunch of times. Too many people knew, so I was literally forced to say my excuse isn't really an excuse (even though I still think it is), in the office - or out of it. To anyone (like, even other people who wear pants finally said I had to say something nice to lady folk right now).
I realized some time ago that I needed to be a decent human being because I can't get away with being a worthless kitten-eating sh*tbag douche canoe anymore, so I was nicer to people in open settings where everyone could see what I was saying and doing.I think I'm fine, but other people said that things I did ruined their lives and traumatized them forever, so...sorry, I guess. I mean, sorry, not sorry...I don't really see it. Those people are still my friends, right?
Though I’m trying to do better, I know I am still a poison-spewing, moist chunk of regurgitated runny pigeon sh*t. I'd like to do just a tad bit above that level of decency. That is my commitment. My journey now will be to learn about myself and conquer my demons. Over the last year I've hired a team of people (led by a LADY) to teach me how to not be a bag of dick-filled jello oozing onto the lives of decent people. I've brought on therapists and I plan to take a vacation (maybe I can meet some more LADIES) from my company and to deal with the issue (of being a maggot-infested sludge ball covered head to toe in bile from the liver of an alcoholic pig) head on. I SO TOTALLY respect all vagina people and regret that I got caught while assaulting and harassing them due to the fact that I was brought up as a toxic dump of rotting pumpkin guts covered in moldy skin tabs. I hope that my public actions will speak louder than everything I think, feel, and do in private and that one day we will all be able to earn their trust and sit down together with a vagina person to learn more. Jay Z wrote in one of his music things "I'm not the man I thought I was and I better be that man for my children." The same is true for me (see? I like black people, too. I'm hip and it's totally cool to quote artists who are sincere when trying to make a statement sound sincere). I want a seventieth chance in the community (really just want the penis people to like me again) but I know I’ve got work to give to other people to do to get it. I have #goals around no longer being a dripping funnel of fatty lifeless corpuscles and those goals are now #priorities. Trust me (not like I’ve EVER LIED ABOUT MY BEHAVIOR BEFORE), this isn’t an overnight process, so give me a few more freebies, please. I’ve been trying to be a decent human who treats others with respect and dignity for 10 years and getting caught is a wake-up call. I cannot be more remorseful about getting caught being a steaming river of curdled baboon butt blood and I plan to pay other people to convince you that I'm going to to do right by all of them.
I am going to need a place to channel that anger (since you told me I can't channel it toward booby people anymore) so I've decided that I'm going to give the NRA my full attention (other people hate them, right? That's what's popular right now? Do they have any women there? :P). I hope Wayne LaPierre will enjoy his retirement party. I'm going to do it at the same place I had my Bar Mitzvah (I'm Jewish, so I've been oppressed myself-feel bad for me instead of focusing on pain I caused others). I'm making a movie about our President, perhaps we can make it a joint retirement party (everyone hates him as well, right? YOU GUYS, WE FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT SO MANY THINGS). One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million foundation to give scholarships to the people who bleed each month who want to direct movies like men do. While this might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. It just happens to benefit me that it is happening right now, so I want everyone to know about it. I have a mom. See, I like uterus people...I came from one.Later!Harv