I don’t have a calling in life, neither do you and that’s fine.

By Sarah Tse, source: http://tinypencil.com/s-tse/

So I’ve been awake for almost 24 hours, off sick from my job as a “sales assistant” in a convenience store for 2 months, and looking for my supposed calling in life for about 12 years.

You know- the dream, the purpose, the one thing you’re going to dedicate your life to. The “find what you love then find out how to get paid for it.”

As I said, 12 years. 144 months… a lot of days. Keeping in mind I am only twenty that is a pretty huge portion of my life spent wrecking my brain trying to work out what it is I’m meant to be doing, as if I’m meant to be doing anything at all. People, parents, peers, the education system, the weather man, the drug dealer, they’re all pretty fixated on what you’re plan is, aren’t they? Good thing you don’t have one. Good thing you never have. Makes for a swift exit in a conversation nobody wanted to be involved in. Excellent.

I can joke about it now but it did actually torture me for a while, and I know I’m not the only one. It’s bad enough not having your shit together when everyone wants you to, even worse when you see or hear of those who do. So #inspiring wow. I involuntarily attended an”inspirational talk” while I was in college studying my a-levels and it had me hunched in a lecture theatre with tears in my eyes (not in a good way.) I spent 60 minutes of my precious youth listening to a middle aged man hoot about his teenage son refusing to be anything but an actor. Pretty bold of him I will admit, but how does this help 17 year old, directionless, me?

It wasn’t until I took time off work, spent time doing what I wanted as and when I wanted to that I worked it out. I don’t need a plan/a dream/a goal to work towards… I need to give in to every fleeting notion that comes to my small, frazzled pea brain. It is perfectly fine to not know where you want to be when you’re 30,35,40,45 etc. At this point I’ve decided as long as I have enough money to cover my costs of living (*cigarettes), my hobbies (*anime key rings), and the occasional caramelatte (*daily) then I genuinely don’t care. I actually mean that. I no longer mind working a job I don’t love for money that I won’t even get taxed on because there isn’t enough of it. There is no distant future, only now and a bit later.

NB: if you have children and a lot of financial responsibilities please do not read this and decide to pack your shit up and buy a Volkswagen camper van, this isn’t the 1960’s anymore. You’ve made your bed.

On a serious note, if I can help even one person ditch the crippling anxiety uncertainty of the future brings, then I might actually sleep tonight. It’s so important to you and your well-being to remove unnecessary pressure. Worrying about how rich you can get in 20 years might not be your forte. If it is that’s great to! But to those who don’t feel that their desires of going on casual city breaks, or getting a promotion in their low-paid job aren’t valid- they are.

I’ve been awake for almost 24 hours, off sick from my job as a “sales assistant” in a convenience store for 2 months, and was looking for my supposed calling in life for about 12 years. Instead, I’m going to be a barista and keep buying anime key rings.

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