Letting Down My Guard
I’m now down about 50 pounds since starting my weight loss journey on August 1st of 2016. Contrary to what I thought would happen, my self-esteem has completely plummeted. I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about why this could be and I wanted to share my thoughts.
My thinking is that I forced myself to act confident the entire time I was obese as an act of self-preservation. I faked confidence until it appeared real because otherwise I don’t think I could have mentally handled being so overweight. It was my coping strategy. Being overly loud and confident was a way for me to draw people’s attention away from my physical appearance and onto my personality.
Now that I’m not obese I think I have let down my guard in the sense that I no longer feel like I need to fake being confident. Instead I can just be who I am. Interestingly though, I had assumed the personality of a confident person for so long because I was overweight for many years that now that I’m not faking my confidence anymore I’m struggling to figure out who I truly am. It’s like an identity crisis. I’m learning who I am all over again with each pound that I lose.
I never thought that losing weight would have so many emotional and psychological implications. I’ve lost weight before, both large and small amounts and have never faced these emotional battles before. So it leads me to question if these feelings are coming up because of my age because that’s the only variable here that I can think of.
This is definitely a topic that’s top of mind for me and something that I want to work through because obviously at the age of 33 it’s important to me to have a strong sense of self. I’ll keep writing if you keep reading.