So then its me again…alone

I find myself in this situation more times than anyone else. Is it because i depend on others too much to justify my existence?

This time my husband of 5 years just decided to get up and leave me and my son. Here is the sequence of feelings after he:

Elated. That now i am free.

Guilty. That i made him leave.

Cheated. Because marriage is supposed to be forever. Because he said he will never leave me.

Unloved and Rejected. Because i tried my best and i was honest, truthful and loved him though i was never really expressive with it.

Numbness. When he said he did not love me and did not miss me.

Pity. Because he doesn’t have what i have. My son who gives me courage to move on.

Sad. Because i wasn’t able to hold my family together, and i wasn’t able to make him happy no matter what i tried.

Angry. Because i wasn’t what he wanted, and maybe i should have been because i knew what he wanted.

Content. That i know that i can do this without him because i have myself and the world to look forward to.

What am i feeling now? I have shut myself to the possibility that it might work again. And sometimes maybe not.

They say that our Karma together is over. They also say God sees everything and what is right will happen.

But is there a Karma?

Is there God? If there is then why does he have to act in slow motion? What is this trying to teach me? Still figuring out.

What did the following teach me?

My marriage to Gavin despite us being totally not compatible. I walking out of the relationship. Gavin getting me back. The loss of my first born. The birth of my second. Gavin walking out. Me finding myself and my reason to move on.

Maybe when i get back to this page after a few more years i will have the answers and then maybe it will be time for me to write yet another post about this journey of mine called Life.