What I learned from myself while deciding to continue my education.
In October 2019 I had the courage to drop out of a doctoral programme at a university. At the time, my feelings about the academic world were chaotic, between anger, disappointment, and feeling useless. These feelings emerged because of three main things, which were part of my personal struggles:
Firstly, a big question arose in me, what does it mean to think and write down what you think in a scientific way if it only stays on the campus where all the writings are only read by the academic community, which incidentally, in Indonesia people do not have a high interest in reading. I want my writing to inspire more people. And the academic world here doesn’t allow me to do that. Look at my writings about why I choose to drop out of my doctoral program at https://walkwithpapier.wordpress.com/2021/08/02/why-i-choose-to-drop-out-my-a-phd-program/
The second thing that made me “protest” was when I felt that I couldn’t write anything other than academic writing that couldn’t be spontaneously written. Academic writing tends to have rigid rules, which makes it difficult for the average person to consume. So, over time, after decades of struggling with that, I felt like I was trapped. I felt like I couldn’t write freely, and that kept my ideas and expressions from coming out.
Thirdly, I felt stagnant in my scientific field because I feel alone, and did not have a learning partner. Apart from the fact that my doctoral research theme did not have an adequate platform to be developed, which resulted in me feeling that I no longer had a challenge in the academic world that I was living in at that time, this learning partner was very influential. The partner I was referring to was a colleague with whom I could have discussions and who was really interested in scientific knowledge and research. But, at that time, most of those who did doctoral studies were only pursuing a degree that would be used as a promotion in the academic world, which would increase their salary and position. Perhaps my perception was wrong about this and I was too idealistic at that time.
So at least those three things made me stop my status as a doctoral candidate at one of the universities in Indonesia. But maybe it was just a matter of time. By the time my friends continued their education at the time I stopped my education, I had no desire, and I even turned my life’s attention to something much different, no longer to writing. I was inspired again when they also went back to school. But at that time I still had no interest in continuing my education.
And then came the year 2023. March is probably the month when people make decisions on commitments that are often made at the beginning of the year. It was also around March 2023 that I started wanting to go to university again, at first it wasn’t about the course, but I found that there was a major that really aroused my interest, but not here. It was exactly what I had been looking for. And that energized me to experience the academic world again. It was like I found something I had been looking for for a long time: a ‘space’ in-between theory and practice, between philosophy and art.
It made me realize many new things in preparing, and pre-preparing, in my term. This was closely related to my commitment this year to cultivate me specifically on complicated personal issues, recovering from inferiority, forgiving, not comparing, awakening myself as an empowered person, and so on. It seems that the self-building eventually aligned and resulted in a kind of “calling” and my “readiness” to continue my education — something that I had been ignoring all this time.
Beyond the possibilities, I found that this big decision seemed to be an extension of the big themes of self-love and self-acceptance that I was focused on completing this year. And this all happened in my forties when I thought this year would always be the same as last year, nothing much would happen. I even had the perception that my years were wasted because I saw myself just walking in the same place. But, actually, when we realize daily life and change, we are never stagnant in one thing. We are always moving towards one thing, towards other things. We are always in a state of metamorphosis.
So, here are the things I learned from deciding to continue my education:
Learning to keep patient and focused.
When we first find ourselves having the courage to decide something, we often feel impatient for it to happen. In fact, something happens because of a process, and it is the journey towards it that often makes something valuable when it is obtained. But we often forget the process. Therefore, learning patience really helps me to be able to think clearly, see more openly the things that should be prepared, and enjoy the process of the journey while being consistent of course. Being patient, if it’s accompanied by concentration on something, makes the path, even though it seems hard, still manageable.
Knowing more about myself.
To continue my education, I have to know what I want and how capable I am of achieving it. So, knowing more about myself, identifying more deeply and having the courage to show that I have the ability is a must.
Growing self-confident.
When we were going to continue our education, we were required to make a letter of motivation, cover letter, personal statement, and CV. In the process of learning to make cover letters, motivation letters, and so on, I had to get to know myself better and have the confidence to say that I was qualified. It may sound a bit excessive for me who is used to lowering myself, used to hide my abilities because I think people will know themselves in the end. But when it comes to university applications, we can’t do that. We have to have confidence to show — we need to love ourselves, believe in our abilities, and have the courage to prove it. So, after years of feeling insecure, Now I feel like something is starting to grow in me, a sense of confidence, of knowing myself better in a positive way.
Distancing self from thinking too much.
When I realized my true intentions and long-term ng that used to make me hyper-think suddenly didn’t seem so important anymore. There is a Zen saying, “Distinguish between sand, pebbles, and stones.” The little things that had been bothering my mind, can more easily be controlled consciously. Small minor things are like sand, which if too much, can interfere with our path, and make it heavy. This focus makes me more courageous to take a step, plan something, and leave the things that hold me back. My hyper-thinking is reduced because I was consciously directing my energy to something else, not sand, not pebbles, but stones.
Thanks for reading.
