10 Points to Ease Your Trump Anxiety:

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Donald

Point Number 1:

We just had our nation’s first Black president, and now we elected our first Orange one! Diversity!

Point Number 2:

Our new president is an animal lover! He can’t help himself- if he sees a cute little pussy cat, for example, he just walks up and grabs it! It’s like a magnet! Same goes for puppies- he runs up and just starts a-squeezin’! Even farm animals: if he sees a donkey, he can’t help but pat that ass! Geese, too- he can’t control himself around some nice, big honkers! He has on occasion even kneeled down to squeeze some baby cows! He’s very conscientious, and always takes a Tic-Tac before approaching your farm animals. He doesn’t seem to care about cocks though. Strange.

Great Point Number 3:

People will stop writing “Barrack HUSSEIN Obama” on Facebook, in all caps like that, and start writing “Donald JOHN Trump” instead! And since we’re on the topic, hopefully the whole “Hitlery” and “Killary” thing will stop too. That never made any sense. Hitlery? I could see ToneDeaflary or PayToPlayillary, or even HilEnablary, but Hitlery was just lazy.

Very Great Point Number 4:

Russia’s not gonna nuke us, because then Putin would never get the money Trump owes him!

Point Number 5! Tremendous:

We won’t have to hear ever again about Anthony Weiner’s, uh… hot dog?

Braggadocios Point Number 6:

Trump doesn’t give a flying fork about you! I mean that in a good way- he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t hate you, you mean literally nothing to him! He only said all that bigotry bull’s shirt to get elected. He was just rambling at his first rally, and said that thing about Mexicans being rapists, and the crowd loved it, and he went with it. The man’s a narcissist, not a racist. He just pretended to be racist to get votes! Oh… actually that’s frightening. Sorry for that one.

Hopefully Better Point Number 7:

Trump isn’t Hitler. Hitler wrote Mein Kampf, in which he claimed the Jews were the world’s master manipulators. Trump hired a dude named Tony to ghost-write The Art of the Deal, in which he claimed he himself was the world’s master manipulator! Trump and Hitler both have hysterical comb-overs though!

Yuge Point Number 8:

Thank you, Donald Trump, Jr, for the inside scoop on Skittles! No, I am NOT gonna grab a handful! Which one’s Donald Jr, by the way? The one with the greased back hair, or the one with the greased back hair?

Point Number 9! #PointNumber9:

I’m pretty sure — based solely on my Facebook bubble — that Donald Trump’s dyslexic. I’m not making fun of him for it- the man’s clearly a masterful communicator. I mean, it takes me, like, three and a half paragraphs to describe a brick, while Trump can ruin your entire week with just three words and a hashtag (or make your week, depending on your Facebook bubble). See, even his weaknesses are his strengths! It’s like if I was running for president and I turned my math-deficiency into a strength by going on a 2am Twitter-binge, like “3+3=6! Really? #LockHerUp”, or “Any number times 1 always equals that number?! SAD!” My point is, well, ah, I’m not sure what my point is. He’s smart, I guess is my point.

Point Number 10! Of Winners and Losers:

He doesn’t give a flying fork about anyone! Seriously, we’ve watched him since the 80s, and all he’s ever been about is money, attention, and sex. Sex with models, sex with beauty-pageant contestants, sex with his daughters- you name it! I’m not saying that’s ok, I’m just saying we know more about our incoming president than we have about almost anyone ever in the history of Earth! Dude’s been all over TV and magazines since I was a kid. I remember he went on TV to tell us how he had to hire a tower crane to lift his golden piano that he doesn’t even play into his New York penthouse. And I think that’s what matters most to him — showing everyone he’s a winner. Or, more truthfully, showing himself he’s a winner. Or, more truthfully, showing himself he’s not a loser. He’ll hire whoever he thinks will help him win, or say whatever he thinks will help him win, or say for 8 years Obama wasn’t born here if it’ll help him win, and pander to hate if it’ll help him win — heck, he even sacrificed his ever-so-carefully crafted image to help him win. Win at any price, because nothing is lower than losing. Loses his hair: he hides it. Loses three debates: he denies it. Loses his plane: makes a deal with a Saudi prince to get plane back. He’s a brilliant businessman, a clever communicator and master manipulator, yet he’s devoted his entire life to silencing the voice he hears in his head telling him he’s a loser. No matter how many times he goes out and wins, he hears it. Maybe it’s his father Fred’s voice, or the voices of all the other billionaires saying he’s maybe not really a billionaire, or of Republicans who called him a con, or the journalists that expose him, or the New York elite who boo him, or the Wharton MBA program that didn’t accept him. I bet, though, that it’s his own voice that’s loudest, taunting him with early-morning Tweetstorms that echo in his head:

I’m a loser! SAD!

They see right through me! #LockMeUp

The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!