Strangers In My Family

Part 2

The Reason for The Hate

No kid deserves to be hurt. And when you’re a grown up; The people who hurt you when you were younger think they have the right to keep hurting you. They take pleasure in it. My MOTHER hide behind too many lies. She acts friendly to other people. Her voice even changes and I wonder why she can’t stay that way. It has been rough. I tell all my friends about My LIFE. Everyone knows my pain. How do you deal with your mother? No matter how I came at her she kept lying on me, insulting me, and coming after me. I look like my father. I believe the opposite of my mother. I actually do things. I still dare to dream. And I’m just living my life, my way, trying to be happy.

There was a time I was A Legend in My Own Mind. Now, the stuff I do, IS LEGENDARY.

She said I was teaching my son nonsense. Anything Black is Low in her eyes. What a shame. I wanted to home school my son because of bullying. Give him subjects 2 grades ahead. She said, “If I Home Schooled she would kick me out.” Even when a principal gave me advice, came by the house, who home schooled her kids and works for The Chancellor, in New York City, she kept on with her threats.

You are my mother, what have I ever done to you? Why can’t you show me something positive? Why is it always about money? Everything they have, I could have gotten, too. I shouldn’t try to do my own thing. I have to live my life the way she wants me to live it. When I came back home, tried to be decent, gave her respect, kept my mouth shut, worked at my business and tried to stay positive; she comes with stupidity and ignorance; screaming at me with the Loud Disrespectful Tone, Cursing, with Lies and Insults. Prince, You don’t see it? She’s always done it. Now, she’s doing it and trying to ruin me. It’s scary when someone is so wicked as you’re starting to take off, they’re trying to drag you down.

She barges inside my room and starts trouble. She tells me that I’m destroying my son. She didn’t want me to believe he was being bullied at his new school and to ignore him. He has to grow tough skin. Really? Had I listened to her, my son would have be a lost cause. Period. So, glad I decided to sit him down and talk to him. He was an emotional wreck. Thank God I went against the Ignorance and hate. You can’t dismiss someone when they’re hurting. You have to help them. You have to confront the problem so you can make things better.

God knows, you don’t know how to move. You don’t know what to do. You try to be a good person. Then you realize that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. They’re never going to change. I just want to do good work in this world. I don’t want the low crap to define me. I’m still positive and in love with myself. After all these years, I’m still holding on to me. So, you thought I would have self destructed long ago, I know. I know. That’s why I keep on fighting. I keep holding on. And that’s something I’m never going to stop doing.

My mom goes to church and PRAYS IN PEACE; but comes home and Spews Hate and PRACTICES WAR.

She loves going behind your back, she talks about you and tries to UNDERMINE YOU. Every Woman in the family has gone through this with her. And their lives were almost destroyed because of it. In my case, God was looking out for me, so the bull shit she was planning on doing got dismissed.

This was why my father banned us from going to church. She got up in the mornings and started cursing and arguing, every Sunday. He got so fed up he said, “Yea, you go to church, that’s where the sinners and whores go to brainwash themselves.” Go, that’s where you belong. Don’t ever do this again. And that’s how and why we stopped going. Dad, did I mention how much I love you? He kept on saving us from the stupidity. Bless his heart and SOUL.

She makes no sense to me. How could I be a low life? The old man I moved inside our house, she betrayed me for him. So she can get money from him being there. And probably get with him. This was what she told my son. I saw this coming. Why? This is what she’s always done. He’s there now, and I’m the one who’s gone. Go figure. I battle the devil and like GE, I bring the Truth To Life. They bring good things to LIGHT. General Electric. Not her. My mother’s Ignorance keeps her in the dark. She’s the Great Pretender. She fakes and pretends with everyone. She has no real friends. She uses people for her own gain. And no family member really loves or has respect for her. They learned from her, how to Pretend, as well.

I look at all the things I’ve done. Mainly, I’ve traveled the road less traveled. I dislike conformity. My decisions in My Life doesn’t put anyone at a disadvantage. I don’t fuck over my family for Dick or A Dollar. But this is what has happened to my family because of her. I never got married because I’ve seen the way my family treats the people they say they love. I see how they treat themselves. Material is more important than people. Not all, but the ones messing with me. So, they get in unions that end up in shambles. Full of stupidity and Ignorance. I’m loving MY SELF, FIRST. Doing for SELF. Trying to BUILD something of MY OWN. I’m a low life for doing that. Okay. Are you a LOW LIFE when the things you’ve done is LOW LIFE SHIT? No, just me.

The Abuse left me in a horrible mental state

You have to put on a front. I smile and try to be strong but it bothers me. I know we’re supposed to be better than this. She battles me every week. The other family members are told I’m the problem. I’m the “bad person”. But I know I’m not. I had to do this. The poorest and worst examples of family relations I’ve seen comes from her. The most disrespectful stuff against mate, and siblings, came from her. The most low life stuff and betrayal that affected the entire family, came from her. She has divided and played sides, lied to people, to make herself look good, while destroying her own.

Nothing my father had or left is good enough for us. She’s the only one that deserves anything. She wanted another house on Lorraine Avenue. My father went for the big house with the big yard for his kids to play in. Man, I really loved the house because of my father. No, she is supposed to be in this BIG HOUSE BY HERSELF, while family members are on the street, seeking assistance, looking for help or living elsewhere. They get off on the shit.

My mother loves confusion and war, this is how she feels she’s powerful and in control. I say mom, is this all you can do? Sometimes, my mother says some things you’d swear she was a gangster. She curses and struts around like a peacock. Real talk. I look at her and shake my head. Poor mom. A friend says he wondered the same about his mother and her sisters. He said they poisoned the family and did stuff for money, then curse you when they should be quiet. “They’re full of Ignorant and Hate,” he says. When you go behind the stuff they do, all you see is selfishness and stupidity. Nothing good or beneficial. Just war and division. And how they can’t see that is beyond me. But that’s what ignorance does; you can’t see anything but the low based shit because you’re not equipped with anything else but self loathing and stupidity. That’s what you are. That’s all you know. That’s what you’re used to. You can show them facts and they still rebuke it.

My mother messes with me so bad that I had to break her down, study her, and put her in her place. Before she destroyed me. I did this to stop her. She needs a dose of reality. How about rubbing your nose in the truth?

Honor they mother and father. But DON’T BRING WRATH TO YOUR CHILDREN. She has brought more than Wrath, War, Unhappiness, Division and Ignorance. We’ve been conditioned to think the more we have, the better we are than other people. Material stuff makes you a good person. But I can’t see “goodness” when I look at people. I see the hate and ignorance. Get something worthwhile in your beings. You can’t take the stuff with you. But they get high and feel invincible with material stuff. I’d rather be Happy and In Love with Self than have a bunch of material stuff. I just want to be comfortable. Provide for my children and be there for my family.

Why bring WRATH? Please, I just want peace. I don’t want to argue. Stop yelling and shouting insults at me in front of my son. In front of the old man who shits on himself. I could tell you guys stories. But I’m much nicer than this story indicates. You’re going to be there for a while. But she makes it feel like….hell. I don’t want to insult her. Keep your mouth shut Jay. My son shouts, “Leave my mother alone!” Why do you do this grandma? You scare me. She comes in and grabs his leg and tries to scratch his foot bottom with her nails, as if to tickle him. He hates the fake way she does it with that grin on her face; he always cries and tells he not to do it. She yells, “Get over yourself!” What? Leave my son alone. You scare him. You lied on him. Said he was going to hell. Don’t try to influence my son. So, everytime she tries to talk to my son, I’m there looking on. No, you’re not going to conquer and divide, here. I peep the Ignorance and stay on top of shit. It infuriates her. Good. She says, “I can’t talk to him without you?” He can’t speak for himself? Of course he can, Ant — give her your answer. Yea, I;m on top of her bull shit because I have to be.

You pay rent and don’t get a key. None of the Women in the family get a key to the house they live in. No, we’re too low for that. When I leave the house I have to put a bent envelope in the door to close it tight. When she took my son to Family Dollar, she told him, “I don’t like your mother that’s why she doesn’t have a key But I like Leroy, that’s why I gave him a key.” When he came and told me, I had already peep the shit. Imagine that. How do you think he’s thinking about this female? Not good. He knows she hates her own daughter.

My mother HATES The Other Great Mothers

From our younger days, my mother couldn’t stand other women who had good husbands and great families. She was jealous of them. She would shun them, put them down and talk about them like they were DOGS. I peeped that when I was younger. She hated my aunt Dorothy. My aunt was dark skinned, waist length hair, intelligent, gorgeous, and had a loving, non cheating husband who worshipped the ground she walked on. My Aunt Winifred, who was a no nonsense, upstanding, hardworking woman, married to a real gentleman. And the woman she hated the most was Belinda (not the woman’s real name, her last name starts with B). Belinda was married to a great man, who loved and cherished her. The man was the most respectful man in the neighborhood. Belinda had her own kids but she would take care of other people’s kids, too. She was sent from HEAVEN this Woman. Every single person who came in contact with her had a positive exchange with her. Every single person. And the way this woman was with her kids, made my mother furious. Her GIRL CHILDREN were treated with nothing but love and kindness. She supported them, provided for them, helped them in ways that empowered them. Asset, wise. She never abused them, called them names or did shit that left them broken and broke. My mother, the devilish, ignorant, hateful female, who abused, cursed, and did everything to lower and degrade her daughters — always had nothing but negative shit to say about this great woman. And secretly, I wished she was my mother or my mother was more like, HER. You never heard a negative word come out her mouth. She was like — Magic! Loving, caring and the whole world loves and adores her, even to this day. My mother was jealous and called this woman all types of names. I know where that comes from. Like everything else, you can’t appreciate what you don’t have. My mother the high class woman. HA! High class because of being attached to my father and his assets. Not high class because of actions, achievements in life or never having to lower herself, etc. It’s just a word she uses. She even calls the guys on the block low class and they make sure she knows how they feel about her by throwing garbage on her property every, single, day.

The Abuse and My Hope to Escape IT

You guys have no idea how fucked up this is. Truth is, my family life has fucked with me for years. Everyone who knows me knows this. I thought I would be able to be respectful and repair my relationship with my mom. But my mother is jealous of me to the point she hates me, she wants to see me fail in life, and she wants to destroy me. Point blank, period. And this is what I saw. She is like an alien to me. Strange. I wonder how someone can pretend and do sick, devious and malicious stuff to their own family. But she’s used to doing us Dirty. That’s all she knows how to do.

I know who you are mom. You’re not perfect. Stop with the yelling and insults. Did you look at my web site? My son said, “Read her book grandma, support mom.” In your dreams she would. My mother has showed everyone of us that she only cares about money. And ruining your reputation. It’s like acting like you’re high class, while the people who’re doing high class shit is classified as low. Huh? It’s like a house that was paid for but because of greed, it was foreclosed on. And full of mice. It’s like a family torn apart because the older ones are bitter and full of hate and jealousy. When will it end? All the women in the family have suffered the same wicked fate. We mustn’t forget.

My father bought the house for his family. Every single day my mother reminded me, I WAS THERE TEMPORARILY. I SUFFERED SO MUCH VERBAL ABUSE LOOKING BACK AT IT, I SHOULD HAVE TAPED IT ALL. YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE HAD A FUCKING TREAT, I TELL YOU!

How can someone constantly argue with You About YOUR LIFE? Where the hell does that make sense? When I looked at it, I told her stop giving unwanted advice. You abused your kids, almost killed them. Please, leave me alone. She says, “Go and fuck yourself!” Every time she came with the lies, and tried to back me in a corner, I felt trapped. Like she did with my father. She can’t leave me alone. And she rides me so hard, my son defends me because I was scared to defend myself — verbally. I was so ashamed. I’m too good for this. I had to battle her. I had to expose her. She has done so much but that’s not the issue. We all have. But she goes too far with her made up stories. And they can damage you. You have to expose and fight back when people are like this. I feel sick to my stomach when everyone I know wishes me success and my own mother is a back stabber. Beware of people who’re willing to stop at nothing to paint you in a low image; the image they see themselves; the person they really are deep inside.

I cleaned up the whole house on a regular basis. I shovel snow till I’m dripping in sweat, I clean up your bathroom and disinfect, even though I use the other one, you don’t have to lift a finger, help with the yard work on a regular basis, I keep my mouth shut, try to include her, show her levels that are way beyond her reach or reasoning. I get attacked even more. I can’t seem to get away from the abuse. But she did this to my Father. What makes me a devil and you a saint? Didn’t you betray your own? For D&D?

I was called a slave because she didn’t have to lift a finger. After I was accused of something I didn’t do; I almost fainted. I stopped doing everything. I saw her, the same way she moved around when my father died. Shifty, like she was up to something. I bought $60.00 worth of fish. She helped me fry them but she wouldn’t eat. I can always tell when the bull shit was about to roll. Mom takes things too far. Her motive. Money. And for you; a ruined reputation, being talked about like a dog to other people and family members. Mom has to put you down to look good. So, I did this. I didn’t have to. I chosed to.

I treat my son good. My mother said, “I’m reporting you.” I know what you’re doing. I’m building a file on you. What file? Mom, Ant isn’t a baby, he can speak for himself and tell anybody the truth. I was so sick of her sick ass and the hate, I had to start recording stuff. This is what should happen when people do you dirty, continue to disrespect you, tell lies on you but deny the Truth about themselves because they don’t look good. They look pretty foul. Why do you have to be better than me? Why do I have to be better than you?

All I wanted was peace. Mom this is my organization is was in the paper. I help people with toys, coats, clothes, pampers; I’ve even helped with housing. The world is so BRUTAL — can I find peace in the house my father bought? Can we show each other some love now? Hell, no! We’re used to ignorance and hate too much. We’ve been trained to be cold blooded. WTF! My people believe the act she puts on. I would be talking to my son and she starts yelling and disrespecting me. You need to shut the fuck up! Just get out of my house! How can you keep cursing someone when they’re aiming high and doing big things that will help to enrich your life? Why keep putting me down? When will you ever try to build me up? Material stuff isn’t worth more than a human being. But I’m holding on to Myself and when others discard themselves, they’re mad at you for loving and holding on to yourself. I get it.

Can you stop spreading lies and gossip? How about helping to build our family up? We need this. She showed me and my son how much she hates us. She tried to destroy me and she’s supposed to be better than that. But I keep reminding her about her past because she keeps trying to destroy me, define me with lies. She shows you how bad she is by doing things that can harm you. It looks like some of the policies in America. She favors — NO! She looks like white supremacy and acts the same way. She favors the devil. She makes my skin crawl. You can’t be this way, you’re my mother.

My mother taught us how to hate and we’re good at it. She keeps on doing the same thing. When my father died, my mother did some stuff; I didn’t fault her for it. She went through a lot. We went through a lot. She says, “I went through more pain than anyone else!” Oh, so you own all the pain, huh? Dad and Kareem are gone and you’re the only one who was debilitated by their deaths?!!! Your shit ain’t nothing, mine was more bigger, deeper, hurtful-er. That’s mom. She deserves to have her moment in the sun. Of course she does. But there’s a way to do it without showing preference, outright disrespect, etc. And I Blaze Fire, Spit Venom, when people who do Low Life stuff try to classify me, constantly! I SPIT VENOM!

I’m bugging because I’ve never done anything PURPOSELY to hurt my family. But she does it over and over. She’s used to dishing out abuse. She’s used to ruining your life or trying to. But I have a family. I have a son. You’re supposed to be the example. But like the house (not owning it) it’s just the shell — all about looks. Like Obama in the White House. Nothing good or real happened for the people who needed it the most. It’s just about the way shit looks. It’s not about the way IT IS. But he sure looked good while he was there. And that’s all we’re supposed to care about? The fake picture? No, we want and need more than something that looks good. The policies that comes from it should be beneficial to the people who needs it, THE MOST. So, it’s all really FAKE. All meaningless. What happens when you overlook humanity? What is this madness about?

Because she was my mother I never let anyone know how devious, malicious and dirty she really was. I had an image I wanted to uphold. I wanted to look like something I was not, even though the abuse has affected me throughout my young and adult life. I’m fighting to be a better person and I will never give up. No matter what. No matter who thinks they can define me and put me down. I will stand up for myself. Nobody is going to make me throw in the towel. Stop being jealous that I still dream. Be happy for me. Stop with the low life hate and ignorance. We’re above that. Let’s aim high and be the best we can be. I had to throw the truth out there. I had to put it in her face. She’s always trying to come at me with negative shit, lies. She tries to define me with it. If you see this one day mother — will it even begin to stir something in your mind? I hope so. This is the brutal truth about the shit I’ve been going through. This was my Revelation. My Revolution. My Rebellion. You wanted to tear down? You wanted Destruction? I’ve been destroyed and I keep rising out of the Bottomless PIT. So, was this what you wanted? Well, here it is. You got it.

REMEMBER: I was Loyal to You,

Until You tried to Destroy ME

Now, I have no Loyalty to YOU,

I have Kept this pain locked deep inside,

I Forgave you,

Live and Let Live

I worked hard, so you could be Proud of ME,

Now, I Could Care Less

I don’t have to carry this Secret, This Shame, Anymore,

I don’t have to Act, I don’t have to Pretend, Anymore

With mouths shut, you stay PROPPED UP

I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to Pretend, Anymore

Thanks. I’m Finally Free!

Thanks for reading excerpts from my book PTSD (Post Traumatic SHIT Disorder). No disrespect to This Disease that affect our Veterans. I Love and Support Veterans. I’M PROUD of THEM. But there was a study that found you suffer from it when you are traumatized; by rape, murder, beatings, and all types of stuff we’re going through, now. Even what we went through as children affected us.

I wrote PTSD to reveal and to HEAL. The lies are killing us. And I’m tired of hiding behind them. I didn’t have a perfect life. But truthfully, I wouldn’t change one thing about my life. It’s mine. I embrace all of it. I love myself, that’s why I search for truth and try to better myself, in spite of all the lies and negativity. Who’s perfect? Life is Brutal. This is brutal. It’s what I have. We all have this type of baggage. Some of us can’t seem to escape it. I’m one of those people. And God knows, I’ve tried. This is the only way, the only thing I could do to stop the madness. Will I find some Peace? Surprisingly, I am at Peace with Myself. If I have to Reveal my Life, so someone else can learn from it or be saved, I have no problem doing that. Can you? Bless.