Have I always been an asshole?

Maybe its a mid-life crisis. Or maybe its some jacked up GenXer thing I’m going through? Someone either forgot to give me the book on how life was going to turn out or maybe I’m simply ignoring the signs. But for shit-sure — this is not how or what I expected.

I’ve been married for 17+ years to a woman who is exceptional. She works her ass off and is great at what she does. She helps others in every way possible, she volunteers, she’s a fantastic mother, she knows someone everywhere she goes. She takes on what I think is way too much, but I knew going in that she burned the candle at both ends. She also makes a great living which definitely keeps our household afloat. She absolutely makes no time for herself and unfortunately that proves to create some serious health issues that need to be dealt with sooner than later.

I have a great job with a company that took a chance on me. It’s been a slow go to start but the current momentum is creating opportunities and as a person that relies on closing business — momentum, opportunity and a growing pipeline are critical for future success. The ultimate goal is to be able to provide a living that provides my wife with the opportunity to say no. No to taking on every job that comes her way. Provide her with the ability to take care of herself in any way she so chooses. She doesn’t ask for much — she only asks for a loving husband that is less logical in nature, who’s less critical and appreciates her for everything she does do — no matter what way, shape or form that presents itself.

And so the dilemma. That punch in the face with a message telling you to figure it out for the grains of sand in the hourglass are getting slim and once all of those grains fall to the bottom half — you’re fucked, unless you change. Listen I know the world isn’t perfect and marriage is work. Others are going through the same exact thing. You meet someone, get married with visions of the perfect world with the perfect person and when the honeymoon fog rises life continues and you do everything in your power to keep up. Work, kids, family, money, health, death, insurance, retirement — it kind of takes over and you lose sight of where you were supposed to be going with the one that decided to join you. It’s scary and you can crawl into a hole to whither away, while creating a facade to hide the reality of what’s really going on.

So the point to this nonsense is crystal clear in a weird sort of way. I’ve lost my way and decided to go down a path that doesn’t necessarily include anyone else except for my miserable self. I have turned into an asshole because of my own self-induced misery. The kingdom I’ve helped build is pretty darn good so why not enjoy it. Understand clearly that logic doesn’t co-mingle with creativeness very well so embrace the chaos as organized or unorganized as it may be. Get back to setting measurable goals, create a plan and deny the shiny objects the attention they crave.

This will be my form of counseling for you all will be the help along the way. The naysayers, the haters and the ones that truly believe in a love for life and the people that surround you are the only things that matter. Until next time.