Graham’s day was already off to a bad start.

He had overcooked his morning eggs—he hated overcooked eggs—and because of the cost-cutting he agreed to with his girlfriend Grenda he couldn’t bring himself to throw them away and make another batch. So he ate them and suffered. It’s only eggs, he thought. There are children starving in Africa. Not that there’s any way I could get these eggs to them if I tried. But still.

Then his brand new Mazda 2 broke down halfway to the work. The engine shut off going 35 mph down Barham Ave. He pulled over and after waiting for AAA realized the engine was working again. He got to work just after nine o’clock.

Graham arrived at the office to discover not one but five boxes of Kettle Glazed donuts sitting on the communal filing cabinet in the middle of the hallway. Goddamn motherfuckers, he thought. Graham had been trying to eat healthier — part of the diet he had committed to with his girlfriend, Grenda — and donuts were his vice. You don’t need one, dude. He applauded his willpower by eating two, then half of a third, then a fourth donut, cronut, and cruffin, respectively, followed by a throbbing stomach ache. Every time man, you never learn.

Then Graham’s day started to turn around.

His stomach ache subsided after acquiring three TUMS from a colleague, AAA called back and said they’d cover the costs of a rental while a mechanic looked at his Mazda, and he got promoted. But his promotion was three years overdue and came with a negligible 3% raise, so while he was happy he was not outrageously happy. But it certainly balances out my awful morning. As grandma always said, bad things happen in threes. It’s only uphill from here!

His grandma was wrong.

Graham decided to celebrate his progressively better day by going to his favorite grocery store for lunch: Trader Joe’s. Grenda, his girlfriend, always forbade him from shopping at Trader Joe’s — something about cookie butter being a Devil’s food — but he went anyway for special occasions (“special occasions” including things like National Earthquake Awareness Day, Oh-Shit-I-Forgot-My-Lunch-Day, and in this instance, a job promotion).

Graham still felt guilty about the four and a half donut/cronut/cruffins he had consumed. He decided to purchase a healthy lunch: whole wheat pita bread, curried chicken salad, and a large tub of Mediterranean hummus. In the checkout line he threw in a box of double caramel chocolate cookies. They always getcha in the checkout line. But hey, the pita bread is whole wheat!

Due to recent local ordinances requiring all retailers to charge ten cents for paper bags, Graham generally opted to carry his groceries if he felt he was able (due to the cost-cutting he had agreed to with his girlfriend, Grenda). Today, he felt able.

Back at the office, Graham waited for the elevator with two guys he didn’t know by name. They addressed each other with a courteous head nod that said, “Hi, I don’t know you and you look familiar but our relationship ends here.”

Graham’s office was on the 20th floor. He had a few seconds to spare while the elevator first made its way to 11 and 18, so he decided to take his phone out of his pocket and dick around on Instagram.

Normally the act of removing a device from a pocket is straightforward. However today, Graham had four items from Trader “forbidden” Joe’s in his hands.

He had several options. He could have placed an item or two on the floor, but that would have been strange. He could have asked his new not-friends to hold something for him. But in the end Graham decided to balance the hummus on top of the chicken salad on top of the pita on top of the cookies while he reached his right hand into his pocket to dig out his iPhone 3GS.

Graham knew this was a bad idea from the start. You need to take more risks in life! Grenda, your girlfriend, has been telling you that! This seemed like a risk worth taking.

Just as he removed the phone from his pocket, it happened. In slow motion, the hummus slipped from his hand, did a 360 spin and as it made contact with the carpeted elevator floor, Graham thought, it’s going to be okay, it’s like a 3 foot drop!

It was far from okay.

As the container hit the floor, its inner contents splattered in an impressively majestic Jackson Pollock-like pattern towards the elevator door. It narrowly missed not-friend-A, who was getting ready to exit on the 11th floor.

All three men looked at each other.

“Uh… well… I’m not sure what to do about this.”

“Shit man, that sucks. You’ve got to email Jerry in facilities. He’s not gonna be happy, but he’ll take care of it.”

Graham didn’t know, but not-friend-A was a Mormon and never used dirty language. The seriousness of the situation, however, was apparent in his weighty tone.

“Okay, thanks.”

A few seconds later not-friend-B exited the elevator. On his way out he looked at the floor, and then up at Graham.

“Good luck with that.”

Back at his desk, Graham nervously emailed Jerry:

To: Jerry.Johnson@nbcuni.com
From: Graham.Baxter@nbcuni.com

Subject: Spill in elevator

November 18, 2014
2:47PM

Hi Jerry,
I dropped a sealed container of hummus in the elevator and unfortunately it broke open making a small mess. It’s the 11–21 elevator bank, the far left one if you’re facing from the hallway. I couldn’t catch it on my way out to try and wipe it up.
So sorry.
Graham Baxter

Graham knew that “small mess” was an understatement. A few minutes later he ran into his colleague Marcy in the kitchen.

“You did WHAT?! Shit, Graham, Jerry’s not gonna be happy.”

Graham gulped. How the fuck does everyone know Jerry?

He told Janet, his cube-mate. “Oh, Jerry’s not gonna be happy, Graham.” She said it in the same tone as not-friend-A and Marcy.

Graham told sixteen colleagues what happened, and every single one gave him the same response in the same tone.

Is this some big prank?

A few minutes later Graham received a response from Jerry. His heart beat out of his chest and sweat ran down his forehead as he slowly double clicked the new item in his inbox. He didn’t double click fast enough, so he had to try again.

To: Graham.Baxter@nbcuni.com
From: Jerry.Johnson@nbcuni.com

Subject: RE Spill in elevator

November 18, 2014
3:47PM

No problem boss. Took care of it. Next time, I recommend their garlic hummus. It smells better.
- J
Sent from my Blackberry Curve

Graham couldn’t tell if Jerry was being sarcastic or not, and he would never know.