an indistinct melody

the following is a collection of poems, ramblings, and sentence fragments i’ve collected over the last year. each double space between lines represents a complete disjoint in time.

youre aware of everything
as if you knew the world long ago
as if everything was a lock of hair tucked behind your ear
for your wisdom id give my soul
[i probably already have]
and im tethered to your form
flowing through those empty people
as if they were papers cleared off a desk
as if they were shoes kicked across the floor

yeah shes running after chaos
shes drinking herself to chaos
i watch her run after chaos
where did i leave my chaos
will you let me ruin your life?
i swear ill let you ruin mine
‘ts alright
its alright

i want to know what shes thinking when she dosent know what shes thinking
she turns her head and looks through the wall
those eyes light up
yr smarter than you think
but with a blink-there back at it
wont you let me see who you are
your mind is a library with a revolving door
i don
tknowi dontkn
owid on
yes you do
you know what you thought and dismissed
call it back for me
every idea is not a thought in itself but a part of her
watch the way it moves

i want to hear that voice i must strain to discern
the one that rises and falls on a whim
that has so much calculation\sponteneity
its speaks softly and deliberately
a general moving troops
a child drawing lines in the crusty sand
the voice surprisses me every time
it constantly asks whether it spoke
to which i hope so
it insists it doesnt know every thing
but its whispered to me and the voice is more powerful than movement

darling\i cant fall in love with the world at all

bleed under the lamp
wring myself out in the sink
peel my skin into a pile
wither into dust
for you to sweep up and throw away?
or leave to blow apart
my atoms are fallin apart
all ive ever loved has gone away
wish you sought to understand me
you are like a humid african twilight
you are like a foggy forest breakfast
you are a beach to sleep on
you are a nagging thought
you are an indistinct melody
you are a sweater when the sky is white
you are a saturday morning on a grass stained hill

tonight i wanted to show you something of mine
a chunk of beauty ive been whittling down
a part of elijah that represents the whole
i wanted to put my self on display and mean something
but you wanted to go to sleep after smoking those cigarettes
and ill say that its okay
you ran and fell back asleep
\if i could show you myself it would be different
beautiful boys love you [they cant help it]
for the ugly ones there is no hope
i know that theres something redeeming about me
but you dont need love
you need a friend
and you dont need a friend
you need a distraction
ill dance for you when youre here
ill dance for you when youre gone

im not as cool as you and i dont know how to talk to you
i never go out to parties
just sit right here to read
cant get girls for nothin
so ‘ll ask you to remember mewhen youre out
when youre kissin some one else
when your down
when youre missen someone else
im not as cool as you and i dont know how to talk to you

your shirt pockets a carton of blues
and i hope your cigs tide you over while youre throwin me away
i hope you stay alone and away from people who arent me

broke my heart like its neer been broken
i could have spoken to you that night forever
but i didn
t and youre gone
and im left in my room flickin cigarette lighters
you have the matching light on your desk like a trinket
on my desk like a lifeline
i pulled at the flint
not a spark lit the wick
and i felt like a memory to forget
i saw you by the grass and its cold and your breath floats away
fuck its cold
stand still cast against the white outside
‘mbers are falling on receipts from a trip
hope ‘ey start a fire that swallows me whole
all the notions of ordinary love
yr burning through me slowly
im alone
im alone
the motions ‘f ordinary love

a new version of itunes wants to download
a new version of elijah is long overdue
a hoodie with too much space below the armpits
and the red holes usedta call shoes
a brand new cigarette brand
and went outside
and felt the lights bleed
and i am alone
thought of calling you up
both of you
but one is aloof
and the other across a dead sea of land
and the smoke is the only suicide i have the courage to feel
desolation doesnt become me
and my head cocked to the left
and my eye feels like closing
and the naked bulb fits the unexpected tantrum
and my fingers never feel the weight of what i hold
i played a sad song on the lobby piano
in my head i know this is synthesized
and tomorrow morning ill put on my freshly starched attitude
tonight feels like a holocaust
\my atoms are fucking screaming

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