Can I take you out to dinner? I just bought six months worth of food. Well, actually I bought one silver ounce, but that’s its value.

Hey NASA, hop in my car and let’s take a drive thru Kansas while I tell you about this glorious #FlatEarth of ours.

On a scale of one to #FlatEarth, how much do you want to get #coffee with me now?

I am happy. I was just born with this unfortunate face that looks tense even when I am relaxed.

I have a face that looks like it wants its own #SafeSpace, as if it’s perpetually offended, when the rest of my being is perfectly ended.

I think McDonalds should put glitter on its food. It won’t improve the quality or taste, but its target market loves sparkly & shiny things

I wanna buy a used football helmet for the sole purpose of eating vegetable soup out of it in the hopes of experiencing a quarterback’s mind.

All of you is all I want. I would ask for more, but what more is there in this life?

With my fingers, I want to feel her body’s exotic quivers like it’s a Braille love story that I’m both reading and writing.

I have a buttocks like two hot hamburger buns, and if you want cheese there’s a .99 cent upcharge, but I think you’ll love it.

If I owned a McDonald’s, I couldn’t hire you $1.20 an hour, and I couldn’t hire you for $12 an hour. The first for legal reasons, and the second because I’d be overpaying you tenfold.

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