How are they going to strip someone of an Olympic gold medal for doping eight years later? That’s like getting a speeding ticket as you wait for AAA to come tow your broken down car.

Is going from Rosie O’Donnell to Michael Moore ascending or descending? Or is it more of a Mobius strip that twists upside down and around?

With DT launching an investigation into voter fraud, I finally get to see if my grandpa voted for Hillary. I’ll bet he did. He’s long dead.

She was so hot she lit my heart on fire. Oh, she wasn’t sexy — she was just an irate Hillary supporter who liked burning shit.

Play the long game. Give a little now, to get a lot later. Pretty soon you’re so focused on giving that you’re unconcerned with getting.

Every action is a contract. If this, then that. When that breaks, wisdom is gained.

If you want to gain wealth, focus on that, not this. But make sure you master this first.

I dance in a rather sophisticated way. I just sort of stand there and sway like a palm tree in the Florida breeze. I am romance in motion.

I dance like I have two marijuana joints for legs, and our if our romance goes up in flames, just smoke it and relax.

Do you mind if I call you sugar tits? If you find that offensive, I can call you salty bosom, if you’d prefer.

Candy, it’s great for fat kids, because they’ve got nothing to lose but weight. They could also lose wait, as they are obesely impatient.

Music is motion, and I make it one leg at a time. So let me lace up my fiddles and tune my roller skate and set this crowd on fire!

I wish when I played my tuba, piano music came out of the tube. I also wish when I squeezed a tube of toothpaste, piano music eked out.

I eke out a living while making a minimal eek each week.

I always thought the hoaxing media’s diss word “Truthers” was absurd and foolish, because it places them on the opposite side, as Fakers.

I dance like light glimmering on a rippling river during sunset. I can teach you to move, but I can’t teach you to sparkle.

You don’t become a Master Dancer overnight. No, you have to start drinking in the afternoon.

I wonder what he’d say to me today if we talked. He’s dead, which is why I’m curious.

Has anybody ever combined roller skating and golf before? It would be fire, especially if played on ice.

The DOW is at an all-time high, and some people are wondering if this is the time to buy. Yeah, buy high, sell low, that’s the path to wealth.

There should be an Oscars for crisis actors called the Oscines, because they are nothing but songbirds who chirp moments of omen.

Do you think Mr. Squarehead envies Mr. Cubehead, thinking he lives in a higher dimension? Or does Mr. Squarehead think Mr. Cubehead is two-dimensional like him?

If you are going to fake the zero gravity of space, and you have long hair, remember to hairspray it straight up, but not make it look hard.

All these so-called educated people aren’t prepared for the upcoming School of Hard Knocks. Their knuckles are way too soft.

Smashing your face into a window that just won’t break is how I feel arguing with a women’s march attendee who is vociferous about nonsense, and displays silence over atrocities.

Firing up my saxophone to flirt with the night. It sounds better now that I affixed a diesel engine to it to propel exhaust through it.

You are a candle in this dark world, and I am a birthday cake. Together we can make 24 hours represent a whole year of glory.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated jarodkintz’s story.