I bought you a bottle of beer. It’s empty, because I drank the fermented fluid inside. I’m thoughtful like that.

I just spoke to John McCain, and he told me to tell you that you’re all wackobirds. Or maybe I was just chatting with a rambling machine gun.

It’s not true that manufacturing is dead in America. We make stuff. We make stuff up and call it news. Shout out to CNN and Washington Post.

Hillary Clinton reminds me of my grandma. She’s dead, so they have that in common. But her body double makes the best Meatloaf Cake.

I read numbers like letters and my bank statement reads like something Cicero would write, and I avoid politics in my financial life.

Sometimes you lose money, and sometimes money loses you. Money lost me, and if you see it, tell it to page me on the intercom and I’ll come.

The same mainstream media that’s been colluding with Hillary Clinton against The People says there’s no election corruption. Ah, well that settles that.

I made you a mustard sandwich, and if you misbehave I’ll have to add meat.

I believe it’s my patriotic duty to diss, disrespect, and dismiss all Establishment politicians. They deserve prison, and that’s all.

A smirk is a cynical half smile, and that’s what my mouth naturally does as I encounter any content put out by mainstream media.

I’m anythinging my way into her heart, and do you know what I’ll do to get there? That’s right — anything.

For pajamas I wear a full scuba suit, including flippers. Being asleep is an adventure, as everyone who isn’t awake is about to find out as this economy crashes.

Get to know and love Mother Nature. Buy her a nice dress, or maybe a monochromatic pantsuit like Hillary Clinton wears. Do NOT call her fat.

Got fired from McDonald’s again today for selling “off-menu” items, & by that I mean sex. I was whoring out my vending machine.

Hey all, we really need to help The Smithsonian raise $300,000 to preserve some shoes. That’s more compassionate than feeding the needy.

To help The Smithsonian in their humanitarian quest, I’m starting the hashtag #ForgetSavingLivesLetsSaveSomeShoes. This is real life, people.

Hillary polling at 19% and Trump at 67%? Obviously a rigged poll. That’s like 18% more than Hillary Clinton is really pulling.

A record number of Americans are homeless and starving, so where is your compassion? Come on, let’s help raise money for The Smithsonian’s shoes.

Don’t be like the Tin Man. If you have a heart, you’ll help The Smithsonian raise money to restore some Ruby Slippers. Now THAT is charity.

Ever since I fell in love with a robot, I have found it difficult to communicate with humans. Though, my dancing has improved.

Ed Snowden was graciously taken in by the Snow Den known as Russia, and I am grateful. Бабушки любят, когда я танцую без штанов.

I would have asked her to dance, but she moved like a dining room table. The formal kind, not the one found in high school cafeterias.

The truth is that 50% of my love is better than 100% of anything he has to offer. Act today, because this half-off discount won’t last forever.

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