If you think for yourself, you will be branded a terrorist, and you don’t want that, do you? So be patriotic and watch CNN and believe NASA.

I love how Pizza Hut not only tastes like cardboard, but also comes in cardboard. When we’re all equally poor, it could be used for housing.

Boost your self-esteem by buying a 3D printer and cranking out your own trophies. No need for CNN to tell you it’s all OK. Do it yourself!

Since The Washington Post is a subsidiary of the CIA, I wonder if my membership allows me access to all the latest hacking tools. #HackNews

When meteorologists generate the animated clouds in their weather forecasts, they forget to add in the supposed spin of the earth. Whoops.

I had a dream I was getting my hair cut on a free-falling elevator. Bad news was my hair stylist died. Good news was I got a free haircut.

How much is #FakeNews worth to you? My guess is nothing. So why does NASA feel entitled to steal billions in taxpayer dollars?

Do you have a #PortableMusicContraption I can borrow? My Walkman just broke unexpectedly. I just bought the damn thing in 1988.

Is Samsung and The CIA peeping on me while I get undressed? I only ask because the show starts at 4:00 and I wouldn’t want them to miss it.

You can buy sand, but why not the ocean? Buy my #MysterySaltyFluidInABottle today for just $2 — or 2 for $3! (Not FDA approved.)

I now self-identify as an Arizona Senator. Thank you, John McCain, but your services will no longer be required. Please report to prison.

Since I now self-identify as a Senator from Arizona, kicking out John McCain, whaddya say we start an unnecessary war?

Once a month I work hard for 30 days or so. This is my secret for not only trying to get ahead, but barely keeping up.

Convert your book into a coloring book, and then convert each image into a GIF that goes from empty to colored in under ten seconds.

Why does John McCain always try to instigate war? Do The Rothschilds have vids of him fucking babies and goats & sacrificing both to Satan?

John McCain is vile and full of violence, and just one vial of his rhetoric is enough to poison us all.

I invented a #PortableHandshakeMachine, but my political career won’t be complete without an advisor. Will you run my campaign?

I’m running for Senate, in the seat held now by John McCain. Can I count on your vote? If yes, can I count on it twice?

Just hopped on the treadmill, because I’m running for Senate. Gonna unseat John McCain. The only chair he deserves is electric.

Networking tip number 333: For that personal touch, always wear thick rubber gloves when shaking hands with strangers.

We know nobody ever votes for John McCain, yet he always wins, so we can conclude it’s rigged. Therefore, I challenge him to a cage fight

I want to be the Neil Armstrong of the #FlatEarth movement. And by that I mean I’d love to wear tinfoil and be a movie star.

I’d go to autograph signings wearing a t-shirt that says #NASAIsFakeNews, and I’d wear a fishbowl like a football helmet.

’til Sept 22, 2015 I’d never heard we live on a #FlatEarth, & even then I was only 50/50, like a flat coin toss. Took me a year to see clear

With one vote locked up, I officially have 100% more support than John McCain, assuming he votes for himself. Who knows, he may vote for me

People are not only getting dumber, they are getting angrier. That’s a deadly combination.

I just had a missed call from California. The state itself called me, probably wanting to sign up for dancing lessons like it doesn’t give a dam

My words are roses, and I’m growing a garden in my mouth. The truth may have thorns, but it is the most romantic thing.

Has anybody audited the gold at Fort Knox since 1974? I’ll bet the vaults are filled with nothing but my unopened love letters.

There were two paths in the woods, and I took a walk with the one that was on a leash. Though trails make excellent pets, I’m still a cat guy.

As a Farmer of Dancing, I worry this drought might effect next season’s crops, but as they say in Russia, “Вот почему Бог сделал водку.”

When you were six, your sister was half your age. Now you are 33. How old is your sister? She’s old enough to get Dancing Lessons 1/2 priced.

Sure, @McDonalds kiosks are friendlier and more efficient than me, but can they dance better than I do? Sadly, the answer is yes.

If you won’t pay 99 dollars for my Dancing Lessons, then buy them on sale. Wait for the price to drop down to $98.99 and save money.

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