Is this a chore, or is this a chance to do what others only wish they could do? A shift in perspective reveals opportunities.

I like to park away from everyone, and then take empty parking lot pictures so it gives the impression that I’m the first to arrive.

If I’d have known companies hand out grants for engineering and electrical courses, I wouldn’t have got a degree in Coffee Making (English).

One thing I learned from getting fired from door-to-door door sales is when one door closes, another one opens. Now I’m a door-to-door window salesman.

Do you think cats sleep all the time because they are depressed? Asking for a friend (The Sweetness).

A man came by class today offering FREE candy in the form of grant money to pay for the entire certification course plus books. It’s a miracle I’m not diabetic, because I always accept FREE candy — even from strange men in vans.

Tomorrow is #BringYourCatToClassDay. Or at least it should be. I need to have a chat with my professor. After all, I am his paying customer.

#GlobeHeads are statists. To be skeptical about everything the government says is wise. To believe their mockery of #FlatEarth is foolish.

She makes dog shit look sexy. If anybody finds that attractive, I’m sure I can find you some romance in my neighbor’s yard, for a price.

Why do students with disabilities get special privileges? College is not for everyone. I once took a test for the Air Force, and it turns out I couldn’t be a pilot even if I wanted to, because I have no depth perception. Would it be cool if they felt bad for me and let me fly anyway?

When in an arc flash, I hope you have marshmallows, because #YouAreTheCampFire.

Forget the Spanish Inquisition. There is no torture like an 11-hour class all day in a windowless room covering OSHA safety standards.

Two ducks walk into a bar. The third duck ducks, because he does what he is, as is natural. Let this be a lesson in quackery.

I had a dream about you, and the song “Nutshell,” was playing — the Staind cover — while I kept sighing and repeating, “The numbers don’t add up.”

Walmart is like a giant prison where you can also go to buy cheap Chinese goods. I shouldn’t call it a prison. I should call it a FEMA camp.

A Florida marsh looks like a floating golf course. I’d hit a hole in one, and it would only take me two tries.

When people behind me have annoyingly and obnoxiously bright lights, I love to drive aggressively slow, and speed up as they attempt to pass

I need to muster up the strength to mustard when I feel like ketchuping, ya know? I don’t relish opportunities like May on Nays.

They’re changing high school names bc they offend people. They can change my high school’s name, but they won’t take my records off the wall

And is any name safe from being labeled offensive? There is always one lunatic on the lookout for a reason to be offended.

And when they do change a school’s name, because the old name was offensive to someone, how can they be sure the new one won’t be offensive?

Maybe they’ll switch names every year, and as such they’ll just start numbering them so people can easily keep track.

Maybe they’ll just outlaw names altogether, because of possible negative connotations, so we’ll all be referred to by a string of digits.

But that won’t work, because numbers aren’t innocuous and offensive-free. Mr. 666 may be resentful of his State-assigned name.

So names are offensive, & so are numbers, but what about symbols? Maybe high schools can just be referred to by Illuminati-approved symbols.

I think this would work, because it’s not like there is a single “offensive” symbol in the world. Take the cross. Everybody LOVES that one.

And we can’t forget color theory when discussing high school offensiveness. Certain colors are inherently triggering and must be abolished.

What about the nature of school itself? The teachers are in a position of total privilege, and that kind of inequality is inexcusable.

The speed of societal deterioration is accelerating, and the two main culprits are moral decay and a fraudulent fiat currency system.

When you invite me to your wedding, will I get a plus one? That kind of math is a bit beyond me, but that’s why I’m bringing Dr. @Obambulator.

When people are drowning, starving, and dying, the best response is to send in the tanks! Let The Warmongers bring peace and security.

When all your information is filtered through #FakeNews propaganda outlets, you must question what you know, if anything at all.

If #FakeNews is just one tentacle of The War Machine, then North Korea makes sense as a spooky menace to frighten us into submission.

What do you know about North Korea, and how do you know it? Was it obtained firsthand, or was it filtered through #FakeNews media first?

My shadow is like portable night, and I’m renting it out to people who are allergic to the sun. Buy seven hours, get the eighth FREE.

Do you have an extra globe I can borrow? #FlatEarth people are being jerks and they decided to take away #MuhCartoonBall.

I should sell #WorshipInABox directly to consumers. Buy three episodes, get One Sabbath FREE!

These days, few things bring me more satisfaction than mocking #FakeNews, and having a laugh at their expense (and it is costly to them).

Now that Taylor Swift has gone #FullLuciferian, how long will it be until her appearance morphs into an ambiguously nebulous gender?

With Universal Basic Income, we will all be able to live equally in poverty. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Let’s form a group cheer about it.

Now that #FlatEarth is exponentially growing, hopefully NASA will be going the way of Kmart.

When everyone realizes NASA is a fraud, and their buildings are abandoned, you’ll be able to skateboard in space, AKA an empty pool.

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