Social media is stepping up censorship, filtering out legitimate news, which is bad news for Joe Blow, who doesn’t know that he doesn’t know.

If CNN were coffee, it would look and taste like water, but it would be sourced like blood. Nobody who drinks from it is innocent.

Philosophically speaking, what are Dorothy Wordsworth’s words worth?

I’m a man of few words, all of which are for sale. Better buy them now before the government makes them all illegal.

Subway is as tasty as a yoga mat, though not nearly as healthy. I love bread baked with carcinogenic rubber!

In a monotone voice, I’ll tell you we share the same passion for life. I collect nothing, and the more I get the less I have.

The trolls NASA employs to battle the growing #FlatEarth awareness are worthless. Kiosks at McDonald’s have more personality & salesmanship

I’m starting my own political party, but since I’m an introvert, nobody is invited to my party. Can I count on your vote?

I had a dream about you having a dream about Cate Blanchett. In your dream I was making love to her like 644 minus 322. (That’s 322!)

You could be flying at 40,000 feet and obviously see no curve, and a #GlobeHead would probably say, “You gotta go higher, like 40,001 feet.”

At my next family reunion I’m going to drop #FlatEarth in every conversation. They’ll either embrace it or kick me out, and both’d be good.

I once grilled a hamburger for the world’s greatest pool player, before dropping it on the floor and then serving it to him. This is the story I told to first get hired at McDonald’s, in the days when I didn’t have to compete with a kiosk for love.

My high school track coach used to tell me I run like a reverse centaur, and the only response I’d give him was to look at him with a long face.

I may be the only man alive to suffer from Tennis Elbow in both of my knees. I’m like the Roger Federer of sitting on park benches.

Riotous immigrants left the streets of Paris ablaze again tonight, and I’m waiting for the #FakeNews to say this is a good thing for marshmallow sales.

False financial alarms these past two Septembers, but will we make it through two more Fed rate hikes by this coming September? #BuySilver

I saw an article headline that said there are four types of coaches. I didn’t read it, because I already know I’m the fifth type.

Buffett is a major investor in Coke. Maybe the human feces found floating in each carcinogenic can is the shit that flows from his mouth.

Two selves walk alone in the woods, and I chose the one who most closely resembles me.

I choose myself — every second. If I don’t choose me, then who will?

I used to be lonely. But then I found love. I couldn’t believe my luck. Someone had just left it by the side of the road next to a recycle bin.

The Real may look the same, but our reality has changed. As you wake up, you realize everything is fraudulent. It’s all #FakeNews.

I still see #Bitcoin as a borderless, frictionless financial transaction tool, but not an investment to hoard and hold.

It’s better to leave the strip club early with all your money, rather than waiting for it to matriculate out of your wallet. Same with Bitcoin

Interaction is the key to gaining traction. Most brands and businesses tend to think communication flows in only one direction, outwards.

The Men’s Restroom was in complete darkness. I don’t know if I peed in the urinal or in the sink. I should sell tickets for the experience.

This world is run by evil men, so much so that in the future all my heroes will be in prison, while guys like John McCain profit off war.

My new hobby is writing to men falsely imprisoned, guilty of something unlawful, but not immoral. I admire them for boldly defying The State

How dare they engage in a consensual business transaction with the audacity to sell raw milk to a willing buyer! They need to be destroyed!

The only pills you should be taking are Red Pills, not anything pushed by Big Pharma. This in itself is a #RedPill most refuse to swallow.

He won’t return my texts, and I wonder why. Maybe it’s about that time I borrowed cash from him and paid him back in Jarod Kintz Inc. scrip.

Another Wall Street executive has been thrown out of a building. It’s being called a suicide. Right. Because if you are going to kill yourself by going splat on the cement, you dress up in a freshly-pressed three-piece suit first.

She walked into my life like a chair, one with three legs and not four, and the situation was so full of sit I just had to give it a rest.

We met in a pool hall where we gambled, we boozed, and we got bamboozled. This was probably the most exciting two minutes of my life.

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