Student Sale Opportunity — buy one college degree and get one FREE! These fees won’t last forever. PhD’s half-priced. No refunds!

#TheTrophyStore was offering a Buy One Participation Trophy, Get One FREE, just for participating. Do you want the extra one?

I have an extra Participation Trophy, and it’s nearly impossible to give away. Maybe I could get rid of it if I tried selling it, to add value.

Like most Americans, I give to charity on Sunday, so I can take, take, take, take, take, and take on Monday through Saturday.

Two people are more than welcome to be lonely together. If you’ve got a few minutes to sit and listen, I’ll sell you a few more and a chair.

I just spilled Kitten all over my carpet. Time to plug in the #VacuumOfCuddles. (Limit one use per customer.)

I like ride-sharing services, but there’s not one for piggybacks. Do you think this would make a good app? Also, what happened to #SethRich?

Sometimes I am a violent, arrogant, prideful, and foolish moron, but I can change that. How? Being humble dissipates all that and makes mistakes disappear.

I support the idea of college being free. Why? Because it is becoming increasingly obvious that it is without value.

The only space man has conquered, is the vast amount occupying the place where a globehead’s brain should be.

Feces-filled Oreos are the #SnackOfTheFuture. Is that a shitty idea? It sure is, and that’s why viewers of CNN will eat it up.

There is no no response, as no response is itself a response. No matter what you do, even if you do nothing, you are doing something.

Everything can be a work of art, if you can talk some Wall Street bankster into buying it for over 100 million units of fiat currency.

I once auditioned for Fiddler on the Roof, but the director chose another actor to play the part of the Roof. That was the start of my slide

My love advice is now able to be dispensed in transactions of cryptocurrency, and answers now will always be more expensive than later.

There’s this new company called Kalo that’s supposed to be the LinkedIn killer, which will be impossible, because LinkedIn’s already dead. The good news is that this is the one instance where Hillary Clinton is innocent. Sad we can’t say the same about the murder of #SethRich.

Some men are horse whisperers and some men are lion whisperers, but I am a secret whisperer. Of all the things to whisper, secrets are the most dangerous.

Tequila always makes me lose weight. Unfortunately, this is due to severe vomiting.

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