You can make up facts to fit your particular paradigm of life, to justify your ego, but that doesn’t mean you’re narrating the truth.

A second ignorant opinion agreeing with expressed nonsense does not validate the belief. It’s still absurd, even if declared by two clowns.

If US corporations lack enough warehouse space to support the growing e-commerce sector, I’ve got some room in my shed I’d gladly rent out.

I play the piano like I’m typing on a typewriter, and my songs are to stories what Beethoven was to finger food at all-you-can-eat buffets.

Finger food is OK, if you are wearing gloves made of BBQ sauce. (I’ll bet you can’t eat only one — or more than ten!)

Here’s how to get out of student loan debt. Step one: Drop out of school immediately. Step two: Take all your loan money and bet it on Ethereum.

I’d like to start a band called Snowpa Troll. All my song lyrics will be taken from abusive tweets directed at #FakeNews CNN.

Is today tomorrow already? Where has all the time gone? When I turned around and she was right behind me, and now it’s as if I’m all alone.

While Roundhay Garden Scene is credited as The World’s First Motion Picture, at under three seconds, it’s probably technically a GIF.

The 1975 reminds me of someone special. That’s right, they remind me of me. “Me,” by them, also reminds me of you.

Marvin Goodfriend is a misnomer. What kind of good friend wants to push negative interest rates on society? He’s more like a good destroyer.

Paying other people to do other things for other people, that is the way to make money in the future.

Training for #TheNinjaBangoChampionship isn’t as sexy as you’d imagine. But it’s 99.9999999% as sexy as you’d imagine. #TicketsOnSaleNow

Our political and legal system here in the US is so broken that I’m not even sure MacGyver with an endless supply of duct tape could fix it.

Summers in Florida get so hot it makes me wish I had helicopter blades for a ceiling fan. Makes me want to become a nudist in Antarctica.

Bernie Sanders fooled a lot of people. Actually, he fooled a lot of mannequins, because only brainless entities couldn’t see he was a fraud.

Mocking frauds and making fun of corrupt politicians has become America’s new favorite pastime. Let #TheAsleepPeople watch baseball.

I was an old man as a baby, and then I matured and became very childish.

Is today tomorrow already? Where has all the time gone? When I turned around she was right behind me, and now it’s as if I’m all alone.

Maybe I could give Tom Cruise a piggyback ride as he’s doing his next Mission Impossible stunt. We know he’s not afraid of heights.

Somebody should write anonymous love letters to lonely old widows in nursing homes. That somebody would be me, but I can’t afford stamps.

Romance is all about noticing the small details in life. That’s why I never go on a date without bringing along a solar-powered microscope.

Romance doesn’t just happen. It takes cunning and planning, like a well-timed ambush.

Drinking clouds my thoughts, and drinking clouds is halfway between drinking water and drinking air.

I dated this woman once because I thought she’d make an excellent mother. Well, she raised you, didn’t she?

Sometimes when I sleep I cry out of my mouth. Some call this drooling, but I call it silently-articulated sadness.

A waterfall on a leash is not a pet that is easily walkable, but still, my services are For HIRE, if you own such a cuddly creature.

When most of The People are staying alive because of Basic Universal Income, The Government provides the food, and #DeathByGlitch may occur.

A cryptozoologist who funds his expeditions through cryptocurrency trading would make an excellent protagonist in a romance novel #AmWriting

In the gulag, everyone’s favorite pasta is Fecesilli. Food all turns to shit anyway, so it might as well start as shit, too.

I’m hosting a Charity Boxing Match to raise money for a #ParadeForPeace. That, in turn, will raise funds to buy more bombs dropped in Syria.

If you are in debt, the banks own you, but do you own what you have in the bank? If you don’t know, you don’t want to find out the hard way.

I’m hosting a Yard Sale this coming weekend. I’m selling sod by the square foot or by the circle. Use promo code #FakeNews for a discount.

You only ran a mile and you think you need a doctor? You should have ran two miles, because Dr. @Obambulator is only another 5,280 feet away

Is the #BestFriendPosition still open, because I just filled out all the necessary paperwork and I’m about to submit. Is the pay in lasagna?

You can’t have more than one best friend. #ThereCanBeOnlyOne. I’ll message you a spreadsheet with all the benefits of choosing me as #TheOne

Does NASA still think we live on a pear-shaped perfect sphere? Thinking the earth spins is a lie makes me dizzy. INeedA #FlatEarth #RedPill

If Breeeeeeee is having difficulty running, it may be knee trouble. But to be sure, we’d probably better give her a heart transplant.

During speeches, a screen behind the speaker should display live tweets, so the audience could mock him for all the audience to see & laugh.

When will The Olympics Committee wake up and realize that #FakeNews Trolling is a sport? I want to win a gold medal at CNN’s expense.

If you love #FakeMoney, buy yourself a #UsedDollarBillPrintingPress. It’ll pay for itself. If you’re gonna counterfeit, do it like the best.

When we die, we all turn into Worm Food. I hope my body tastes like Gummy Bears, because #FishNeedLoveToo. #NonSequitursSoldSeparate

Is the flow of urine actually The Fountain of Youth? Maybe we age because we don’t ever drink any. We should test it out on politicians first.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.