Breathe a Minute in my Mask

Dear God I’m changing. And not in a good way. I have always been the type of person who, no matter what negative things were happening to me, I always said that no matter how unsympathetic someone was I would never wish what I was experiencing on them.

I am an entertainer who relies on live performance. At the beginning of this pandemic they unilaterally cancelled events. (events are still being cancelled and I have yet to be able to book anything new). Though I grew weary of hearing how we were all in this together from people whose lives had not been changed, who posted on line about how much fun they were having working from home in their pajamas I did not begrudge them and I never wished my situation on them.

When the treatments I need for a rare condition were deemed nonessential I continued to hear the same tired rhetoric spouted. Even though I watched my condition regress I maintained that I would never wish my rare condition on anyone.

So, what happened to cause a shift?

I was “asked “ to sacrifice my livelihood. I was “asked “ to sacrifice my physical being. Now, with the mask mandates in play I am being told I must sacrifice being able to breathe.

I have an underlying issue. It is something that in ordinary circumstances would be a non issue. For me this is not just about a mask. Anything over my face triggers what I will describe for you further along. As an example: In 1990 I was hired for a scene in a film. The scene called for me to be one of, I think, five corpses on the floor covered with white sheets. I was fired from a film because the director did not need a “gasping corpse” on the set.(Look for a more detailed story of this coming soon)

And now, on an almost daily basis, on social media I am confronted by people who boast about how caring and compassionate they are because they wear their masks. These people are not even remotely caring or compassionate when they encounter someone who is not wearing one. The first thing that rages through their minds is not “How sad that person must be suffering from an underlying problem.” But rather “Look at that (string of expletives) a-hole. Doesn’t he/she know people are dying.”

Some of these people even further boast about breaking social distancing rules just to get in their faces to tell them what horrible people they are. Oh the irony

Hence, I’ve changed. Every time I am confronted on social media (and it is happening with more frequency) by one of those angry posts or vicious memes, I wish what happens to me on these people. If only just once. So,may God forgive me. If you are one who is spreading this vitriol I wish this for you the next time you don your mask; First, your ears start to feel “full” like they would during a change in pressure but with it comes the sense that you are hearing everything at a distance. Next your nasal passage clog, forcing you to open your mouth to breathe, however, it is not easy breathing. It comes in strange “gasps” like your making an obscene call. The gasps become more desperate as you try to get enough air. Headache sets in and possibly the feeling that you will vomit. Now, all you can do is rip the offending object from in front of your mouth and nose.

This is not the experience of everyone who has mask issues but I can only attest to mine. I have a breathing tube with which I can “snorkel” but it only delays the negative by a few minutes.

Believe me there is nothing more frightening that not being able to breathe. The anxiety that accompanies, knowing that something will trigger not being able to breathe is traumatic. I really do not want anyone to suffer but, maybe, just maybe it will make you a little more understanding, compassionate, empathetic. And maybe just maybe you will think before you click like, love emojis and share the mean spirited content, because you have breathed a minute in my mask.