Validation Desperation: Confessions of an Alpha Male

For nearly twenty years, I’ve been what is called a serial entrepreneur. Family and friends poke fun saying, there’s never been a deal I wouldn’t chase. When it comes to business, I admit I like the idea of slaying the dragon or have what one colleague labels a millionaire’s mindset. Call it what you want — ambition, vision, fearlessness or Alpha Male Syndrome — fact is, if the reward outweigh the risk, you’ll probably find me somewhere wrestling with the deal devil and expecting to win.
For example, over the last several months I’ve been in negotiations to merge my consultancy with a larger, more established firm. Late last year, when first approached, I immediately saw the value proposition in the offer. Scalability, greater infrastructure, broader relationships and global branding appeared to make all interested parties stand and salute. But as negotiations became more intense and even frustrating at times, I discovered the short and long-term growth forecast I initially made was being overshadowed by my uncanny desperation for validation from my potential partners and others I thought mattered.
I know what you’re thinking — how can this alpha male succumb to such a shallow insecurity? The short answer is, I’m human - thus imperfect. But there had to be more to it. So I asked…was I being impatience? Lacked emotional intelligence? Shadow boxing with self-doubt? Wanting the security of a paycheck over profits? Perhaps.
Fact is, I’m not alone — we all desire to be validated, accepted, liked and confirmed. I’m just willing to admit it.
Fighting feelings of inadequacy and a dip in self-confidence from time to time is normal in all of us. Professionally, we want our co-workers, senior managers and, in my case, business partners to give the proverbial stamp of approval. Validation from others makes us feel valued and relieved that we matter. Even among our family, friends and love interests, we’re willing to move mountains to get and maintain their attention, a warm hug or a tender smile which all, in theory, signify their acceptance of us. There are volumes of books written by therapists and self-help gurus that equate external validation and acceptance with one’s relevance. That’s a tough pill to swallow, but I would agree.
In the end, here’s what I’ve learned, at least about myself. First, external validation has never and will never add to my faith, focus or finances. In fact, it’s a distraction. Seeking it plants seeds of fear and anxiety which produce the toxic fruits of self-doubt and poor judgment. Secondly, validation is only granted by seeking a deeper spiritual understanding and appreciation of who I am and why I’m here. And that’s to excel beyond my wildest dreams, prosper without an apology and help and serve others without expectations. None of this can be accomplished by being in control, but being in charge of my life. Finally, my mother reminded me of this: That if I’m going to trust God, I must also trust His timing and be ready for His blessings.
As negotiations continue and as alpha males are known to do, I’ve become refocused on the validation within me, not around me.