Jascha Interviews the Universe on the Topic of His Own Hair

Jascha: Universe…

The Universe: Jascha…

Flirtatious laughter

Jascha: Why does my hair look the way it does?

The Universe: There was a point when my mass and density would have appeared to be infinite…

Jascha: Start later… address its current shape.

The Universe: You mean my current shape or your hair’s?

Jascha’s Hair interrupts

Jascha’s Hair: You grew me long and curly with a full black beard. You were experiencing profound heartbreak for the first time, and your identity was split into turbulent little puffs of black gravel in your ears.

Jascha’s Ears: You wanted to mark the peak of your confusion and begin a period of renewal with some gesture. You also wanted to look unusual so that you couldn’t resign to apathy.

Jascha’s Mouth: You shaved off your beard, leaving a huge black mustache that covered me completely. You kept all of the curly, shoulder-length hair coming out of only the right side of your head, and cut off all the rest. You later shaved off the mustache because it always smelled like parmesan cheese.

Jascha bounces knee rhythmically and swallows

The Universe: Where am I?

Jascha Ephraim: You were about to address my hair’s current shape.

The Universe: That’s right. (Turns to Jascha’s Hair’s Current Shape) Well, I guess you began as a point where my mass and density would have appeared to…

Jascha’s Hair’s Current Shape: Start later… start when Jascha was born.

The Universe: He was actually born with a full head of hair. A nurse held him in one hand, a wrinkled little pulsating pink wet bean, while parting and combing his black hair with the other. That was a big change for you wasn’t it?

The Universe bats eyelashes and rests hand on Jascha’s Hair’s Current Shape’s knee


Jascha: I had my most intense hair for two years in high school. It was a single matted nest of dead and yellowing hair, ribbons, plastic toys, pins, trash, tampons, everything. My friend managed to cut it all off in one piece and it’s still in a plastic bag at my parents’ house. It’s all dry and shrunken like one of those little heads.

Jascha’s Hair: Didn’t anyone notice what just happened to my current shape’s knee?

The Universe: I notice ALL.

Jascha: You know, I didn’t even think about it at the time, but I had known a girl with hair almost exactly like that, and I was imitating her. We had run away from home together and went to New York and it was a major transformative experience.

Jascha’s Mouth: The only reason to have a deliberately strange and flamboyant hairstyle is to get attention from strangers without having to rely on substantial deeds or personality.

Jascha quickly covers mouth with hand

Jascha’s Hand: I only wear grey sweat suits with grey pubic hairs and I shave my head because I don’t want to think about the superficial impression I’m presenting to people, other than myself.

The Universe: It sounds like you’ve thought about it quite a bit.

Jascha’s Hand: No, I really haven’t! But my hand has.

Jascha’s Hand’s Hand: That’s right. I want everyone to know that I’m not into superficial impressions. (Yelling loudly) Hey everyone! Can I get your attention for just one sec? Thanks. I do NOT care what you all think of me. I just want you to know that about me. I am an uninterrupted flow of genuine, unconscious characteristics pouring out from, and into, the Universe.

The Universe’s eyes roll back in head