Jasmine Afnan
Nov 2 · 3 min read

What do I do now

I moved from Japan to Canada to pursue journalism. I left all my friends, my mother and a whole life I had built for myself. It was perfect. I was getting good grades, I had amazing friends and my job had been going well. Why did I leave then?

Now that I’m here, I don’t even really know why. I know it’s because the journalism program here is exceptionally great but just because that may be, it might not be the program for me. It’s been two months since I’ve started school and three since I’ve moved here. School has been…less than okay.

Back in Japan, whenever I got my grades back, I had always prayed that I got a good score. Now, all I want to do is just simply pass. I go to class everyday with a heavy heart. My peers are all extraordinary writers and I can’t seem to come close. Going to school is more of a nightmare than it has ever been. It’s almost as if I’m paying tuition to be spat on.

Living at home is not a pleasure cruise either. When you force yourself into someone else’s life, you tend to not have a place there. The life that my sister and her husband accumulated for themselves is great but it’s also an extremely small bubble. The smallest difference in their daily routine and pop! They are out of their element.

And here I am. Practically a bulldozer ramming into their lives. Coming home from school isn’t a rest from the troubles on campus. It’s traveling from one job to another.

I wake up and make sure I don’t disrupt their morning. If I use the bathroom I have to make sure not a single thing is out of place. If I converse with them, I can’t talk about what they don’t usually talk about when I’m not there. If I want to do something I have to go through a thousand steps before I can actually put it into action.

When I do get to rest, there is nothing on my mind except for assignments, emails from my teacher, texts from classmates about forgotten obligations, and most annoyingly, the memories of Japan.

There isn’t anywhere to escape.

I want to go home. I want to go home so badly. But I don’t have a home anymore. Japan isn’t home anymore. Canada isn’t close to being a home. Where do I go?

Everyone here already has a life. Everyone in Japan has built a life without me.

What do I do? I haven’t been happy in so long. I haven’t wanted to wake up since the day I’ve arrived.

I wish I could sleep forever. I wish there was some kind of eternal escape where my family wouldn’t be hurt my by absence.

I don’t have faith that I’ll have a tomorrow to go to.

I don’t have anything to have faith in.

How does one go on when the only path in front of you is a cliff?

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade