I’m good on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I need people, and love communicating. Even if in silence. But I’m better on my own because I have a back bone with myself.
I put my comfort first with me, with others, I’ll try to please them, while dismissing my own comfort. That’s not self respect. (Side note: people are deserving of love, even if they don’t feel it for themselves, or have that respect for their being. Life’s rough, be compassionate. like you know when people say “I don’t like girls/people who don’t respect themselves” that’s so heartless. But I think has a lot to do with perception. I think there’s purpose to our being here sometimes, or maybe that’s just a belief that helps me. But regardless. But when I hear or see that someone doesn’t have self respect so to speak, my reaction is how to help them. How can I listen to help them see their worth. Listening well can really be validating. Anyway, yeah maybe it’s just because I feel like I have love in my veins. Like love is in my being. I just want to heal.)
I might be confusing you. Okay. For example, with s.a.d, it’s really hard to build relationships, unless I have the chance to be with a person all the time, like in elementary school. it feels like each time I speak to them, I’m meeting them all over again. And how the neurodiversity works, is that I’ll start to speak too quietly so the person I’m talking to doesnt hear me. Which doesn’t make sense. Why talk if you don’t want them to hear? But it’s like an internalized survival/defence mechanism. It just doesn’t work all too well. It backfires. I’ll start having hateful self talk because I’ll feel people think I’m incompetent, or boring. Or I’m fake. How I am on Twitter and Snapchat are very different than how I am in person, if I don’t know you. But that’s just because those are safer more comfortable spaces for me to express myself openly.
I just want to be authentic. I want to be me. Tonight I was talking to a friend. I asked them, “what do you love most in the world?” After some thought, they said their “sanity.” When describing what that meant to them, they said “their peace of mind. Clarity, self awareness.” After I hung up and was talking to myself, I realized I agree with that statement. I guess it’s what I want. All I’ve wanted my whole life was to be able to fit with the world.
Still be me, but be able to socialize. Not think about and analyze every little thing someone says. Not have to battle myself to get out of negative interpretations. I don’t want that voice in my head. Sometimes it scares me, and I don’t like sharing that with people because I’m worried about their perception. But yeah. I for so much of my life, I didn’t understand when I couldn’t interact with people like other people did.
I just want to be calm in my being. Be okay to tackle life. Be motivated to keep moving, no matter the struggle.
As always, this was all over the place lol