Pawn ur Engagement Ring, Fellas

Maybe this is going to make me sound like an asshole, but I am an asshole sometimes, so if the shoe fits am I right? Anyway, here goes:

I’ve never dated a single guy who didn’t want to marry me within a few months of dating me. They would tell me, their friends, sometimes even their families. They would more often than not do this without

  1. Consulting me or
  2. 2. Discussing major life things like, “do you want children? where do you want to live? What does your career trajectory look like? Do those things fit with my idea of a lifelong commitment?”

All they knew was that I was what a wife looked like, I guess. Which is weird to me, because as it turns out, very few of those men actually “got” me. And when I’m not being “got”, I’m a terrible girlfriend. I am either constantly trying to communicate who I am to the point of obsessively annoying everyone around me, I check out and stop caring, or I become angry, taciturn, and perhaps a little manipulative because, ya know, I can. But that’s both unproductive and ultimately very dangerous, as I begin to hate myself, to doubt my humanity, to be ashamed of staying with someone with whom I know (somewhere, deep) I can’t spend a life with. Even the super sensitive guy who cried when I left him, even the one who loved me for all my dark moods and unexplainable opinions about what kind of food I’d eat or where I wanted to live in the city, but never really thought I’d stay. And especially the ones who thought more about themselves and how nice it would be to have a smart, amicable, caring woman in their life, none of those people knew who I actually was. I was a cute trinket on the shelf of life, a thing you probably should have, because everyone’s doing it and your mom keeps fucking bothering you about it.

I’ll give it to myself; I’m a softy. I will love you and understand you and be honest with you but in a gentle way. I’m literally never mean. I will hold you up and believe thoroughly and without much evidence that you’re a decent person. I’ll give up time and money and emotional energy in order to be present for you. But I’m also moody and have a dark, sometimes cutting sense of humor. As sensitive as I am, I need love and understanding, but you cannot be sensitive or take my digs too personally. I’m conscious of the things I say, and careful, but I also want to be able to let my nihilistic flag wave sometimes. I don’t like to talk shit too much, but I do like to point out the existential absurdities we all come across. It’s funny, come on. My brand of humor perhaps isn’t conventional. Sometimes I think things are funny but I’m not sure why. Sometimes I want to murder everyone around me and sometimes I let my stress eat me up, but it passes, it’s not a big deal, it’s a common moment that I know I will get over. I’m difficult but in the easiest way. I demand little, but also I demand someone who meets me in the middle, which I guess is a lot. At the end of the day I’m just an egalitarian who wants to feel like I’m just as important as you. Not more, not less. Just equal partners, fifty-fifty.

So essentially the question comes, what do you do when everyone wants to marry you, but no one wants to know you?

I guess nothing. I guess stop trying so hard to make people know me. I don’t care how many people I know or how many friends I have. Who really, at the end of the day says, “man, I needed that one extra friend, that would have really made the difference. That would have pushed my life over the line from mediocre to great. I should have pushed harder to make them be my friend”.

The ones who know who I really am and how I think and feel about things are who matter. Those who I feel I need to rake over the coals in order to burn the intricacies of my personality into their skin like a brand, those people don’t want that, and neither do I. It’s just not worth it. You just stop caring about those people at some point. There is no obligation to them. When someone thinks they love you, but have no idea who you are, you don’t owe them your returned love. You don’t need to give them what they want when it doesn’t jibe with who you are, or what you’re capable of giving. You just owe it to them to get the heck outta there.

I’m going to do me. I’m so tired of feeling like I shouldn’t be myself around these dudes. They’re literally JUST dudes. I don’t really care about any of them as much as I care about the amazing feeling I get when I can be my weird, goofy, sometimes moody sometimes silly self. That’s the best thing in the whole world. So stop trying to marry me. I’m not on board. I’m not in, I won’t do it until it’s right and cool and I find the dude who wants to know me, with all of the moods and realism and the occasional “I-honestly-don’t-give-a-shit” attitude instead of just wifin’ me.