What happens when it all goes wrong?

Psychosis makes you feel utterly crazy. Once you get out of it, you look back and think ‘damn, I must be crazy’. It takes a few hours to get back to a ‘normal’ state of being and to be able to recognise that you aren’t crazy, you’re just sick.

I went to see my doctor on Wednesday morning for a catch up, and to renew my prescriptions. We discussed my current state (better) and the side effects of the Quetiapine (worse), and came to the decision to take me off the anti-psychotic as it could now be doing more harm than good for my mental health. Being on a high dose of what is effectively a sedative, when you no longer need one, makes you tired and grumpy, obviously. My GP offered to sign me off work for a week or two, if I needed it. I refused, thinking that the withdrawal wouldn’t be as bad as the side effects I had going on to it. Oh boy, was I wrong!

I am the crab.

A few days later, I was at work (convenient, as always) and I couldn’t breathe. All day I had been nauseous, with muscle spasms, tachycardia and tears. And now, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk, my vision was blurred and the room was spinning. I thought that I was dying.

All my withdrawal symptoms had formed in to one big spiral of pain and confusion and that was it, I couldn’t human any more.

Luckily it hasn’t got to that stage since then, but the side effects are still pretty damn inconvenient.

I have a non-stop twitching in my right lower eyelid, I feel sick, my whole body is really itchy, my muscles hurt like when you have the flu AND just to be ridiculous, I also have a cold and my period all at once.

I feel as if now that I am recovering and learning to live with what is wrong with me, the world has just thrown everything bad at me at once just to see if I can beat it. And I will beat it. If I can get back from the depths of depression and the paralysis of psychosis, I can come through these withdrawal symptoms without giving up (although, I will complain about it a lot)!


ps. I was going to include a picture of the baby from Trainspotting, as a pictorial description of withdrawal, but I thought I’d include this stock photo I found under a google image search for ‘withdrawal’ instead.

I know how you feel, bae.
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