La Jolla, California
I’m not sure why, but I’ve thought about writing this so many times I already forgotten what the point of it was. I’ve been so caught up with superfluous activities and thoughts that this comfortable medium and outlet quietly dissipated into the backlogs of my memory. Most of the time I don’t even know what the hell it is that’s coursing through my mind.
I recently saw this textbook that was left lying on a lab bench. It photographically illustrated slices of the mouse brain in many cartesian coordinate relative to the bregma (don’t worry, I don’t know mouse anatomy either). Seeing those enlarged histological images of the brain made me wonder how our thoughts and emotions are intertwined. I imagine it’s like a streaming entity weaving to and fro between regions of the brain creating an aimless path of speculation, doubt, and invigorating and intense fuck that eventually ends, without any conscious regard, because why? Another random blip appears and you forget about it. A new chain-like path of thoughts, tangents, and incoherent monologues is forged.
I imagine this is how lapses in judgment occur; we pursue and listen to our inner voice only to be met with a new alternate way of thinking that makes us realize what we had previously done or subconsciously chosen was utter bullshit.
I know I over-exaggerate my emotions a lot. Which means that when I geek over new music or a new trailer for a film being released in 2 years, it is genuine, but I act like it’s the cure for Alzheimer’s disease. Despite that though, I truly felt an incredible sense of euphoria today. To provide some background (with my limited knowledge of surfing terminology and lingo), I’ve been surfing for the last two or so months with my friend Ben. Generally, we’ve only been catching two kinds of waves, ones that have already broken aka white water (when the wave crashes down and form a bunch of bubbles and the water looks white) or ones that are setting and in the process of breaking (when the wave looks like a mound that’s rising higher and towering over you before it collapses). We’ve both been able to catch the latter waves but only moving linearly in a straight direction towards shore. But that means we can’t maintain the momentum for long because as soon as the waves crash, we stop moving. So while it’s great to be able to stand up, it’s less enticing if you can’t ride the wave for a long period of time. Ultimately then, the next step has always been to ride the wave laterally, as it’s breaking in one direction. This requires better balance and the ability to pivot the board sideways to move in the left & right directions.
I accomplished that for the first time today.
The wave I caught rose at least 6 feet above sea level so as I paddled forward with the wave, I stood up and immediately began sinking downwards at great speed. But in a moment of recognition, I pivoted and for the first time rode till the end of the wave.
It lasted about five seconds.
But that is what I expect joy to truly feel like.
What a fucking thrill, man.
One more detail about this is that prior to today, I had always been looking down at my board to grasp my footing and balance as opposed to looking forward and toward where I was heading whilst on the wave. So naturally, if my forward motion is downwards, I will always pummel chest first into the rolling wave and spin like tumbleweed. But today, I chose to look up and what do you know — it fucking worked.
I’m a little bagged wine drunk.
But the moral of the story is, I had been longing for that feeling for so long. Every time I pushed myself into oncoming water, I imagined what it would feel like to accomplish this feat. It’s cliche to say this but great things do happen when you least expect it. It’s the same with my singular graduate school acceptance; it’s the same with feeling the needle of a tattoo machine pierce my skin for the first time; it’s the same with falling in love. Cringe if you want to, I don’t care.
I still think about it, though.
I have weird tastes. Sometimes I have so many disparaging thoughts I just want to a;woeifj;aowiefhaeo;ihwo; smash the keyboard. A familiar stranger once told me that self-preservation isn’t contingent on the opinions and affection of and from others. Why is that so hard to embrace? It’s certainly an internal debacle. I feel like I’m kind, and kind not for the expectation of an equal return of kindness but from a deeply-rooted faith that kindness stems from empathy. I care about others without reservation. But now more than ever, I — I want to be cared for. Now don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly appreciative of my family and my support network. I just… I long for that shared journey. To meet someone heart-to-heart, when, I don’t feel like a sunken cavity of insecurities, where, I don’t feel guilty lacing my needs into words of inevitable confrontation.
I long to love.
But I don’t know if I can trust myself that it's genuine or to not question that it’s another facet of my delusions for a grander life.
Because I’m there. I feel it. It’s brewing and it’s driving me crazy.
I’m never alone, but I still feel alone.
A crash course into my inner voice haha.