Don’t Should On Yourself (Or Others!)

You should eat better.
You should exercise.
You should read more self-help books.
You should read the Bible every day.
You should visit your parents more often.

Life is full of things you should do.

So why don’t you?

Because ‘shoulding’ on yourself sucks and it never works.

It is the anti-motivator. Statements that include ‘should’ are filled with obligation and not something you really want to do.

There is an underlying tone of guilt.
It has a negative connotation.

‘Should’ is such a powerful word that we often react to it at a deep, subconscious level and don’t even relate those two things — the word and our reaction.

Growing up, our parents, teachers, peers, and/or family probably told us what we ‘should’ be doing . . . with our life (“You should go to college”), with our room (“You should clean your room”), with our free time (“You should read a book instead of playing video games” or “You should take the dog for a walk” or the classic “It’s a nice day outside, you should go outside and do something fun instead of sitting there watching TV!”).

Looking back, how did those statements make you feel? Even now, what comes to mind when you read that last paragraph? “Sure, Mom and Dad, you’re right. I would love to stop playing video games.” Or was it more like “You’re right, Mom and Dad. I should go outside, but I would rather just sit here all day. But thanks for asking.” (insert eye roll here)

If you have kids, especially teenagers, then you can watch this experiment in motivation play out. Tell your child something like “You should clean your room” and watch what doesn’t happen. Feel free to experiment with other ‘should’ statements with your kids, or even with your significant other. Go ahead — try it. I will wait.

Back already? How did that go? Did the room get cleaned? Did your spouse make dinner when you told them something like ‘You should make us dinner tonight?’ My guess is that at best they resisted your statement and decided that going out was the answer. At worst you slept on the couch after eating a hot pocket.

“I should start an online business.”
“I should lose weight.”
“I should . . .”
“I should . . .”
“I should . . .”

If someone actually acts on a “should” statement, it usually won’t last very long. New Year’s resolutions are a good example, as they have ‘should’ written all over them. “It’s New Year’s. I should make a resolution. Fine — I know I should lose weight, so I will commit to exercising five times per week and also stop drinking alcohol during the week.” This kind of setup works well, right? Nope. Never does.

Why do we should on ourselves?

I feel it’s because we either feel social pressure or know we currently do things that aren’t aligned with who we ‘should’ be.

Where could such statements come from to be more effective? Driven by your BIG WHY instead. Aligned with our purpose. Fueled by our passion.

“I should eat healthier and exercise” (said while putting another donut into your mouth)
vs.
“I want to eat healthy and exercise so that I can be there for my family and watch my kids grow up.”

Or (expert level)
“I will eat healthy and exercise so that I can be an example of a healthy lifestyle to my family and others.”

See the difference?

The first one is backed by guilt and obligation. The second two are focused on being committed to action aligned with your BIG WHY (in this case, health and family).

Instead, take a step back from your current perspective and examine your life and your purpose to determine your BIG WHY. Doing that will provide direction for your decisions that will create your actions. And then remove ‘should’ and replace it with ‘want’ or ‘will’.

“I want to eat better!”
“I will read more and watch less TV!”
“I want to spend more time with my family!”
“I will exercise regularly!”
“I will create the life I deserve!”

This applies to conversations within our own head as well as with others. Make sure you don’t ‘should’ to other people because most of the time it will just cause them to become defensive and resist whatever great advice you want to give.

“You should eat better.”
“You should read a book and watch less TV.”
“You should work less and spend more time with your family.”

Ever told someone to do something similar? How did it go over? Probably as well as if someone had told you to do the same kind of thing!

So don’t do it to other people!

And don’t do it to yourself!

Now go out and live a should-free life!