I lost my grandparents to Alzheimer’s it’s a horrible disease but at least they lived to their 90s which is amazing. I can’t even comprehend living that long but I guess I’ll be lucky if I do. I to have suffered the darkness of depression and suicidal times. I guess someone is looking out for me and I’m trying to connect with a spiritual aspect to the world. Looking fwd to brown grass I can relate to the perfectionist in me too damn that can be deadly if not channelled right. Sounds like you’re channeling it hopefully in the right way. Peace buddy.