The Time Came

For years I *itched and whined. Reading textbooks. Dealing with overlapping group projects. Oh, and of course having to deal with school drama that I thought I had happily left behind in high school. I vented and talked it up. If only I could allocate all the time I was spending on class and clubs onto my actual entrepreneurial aspirations. Oh, how life would be different.

I’d be able to sit at my computer and type away, read books that actually helped develop marketing skills, go to networking events to meet potential business partners… Okay, now that I say it, I realize that it sounds exactly like what I did at school. It’s different though, I promise! Doing what you have to do and doing what you want to do.

Three long years passed by. Projects put on hold, opportunities pushed back and dreams getting even more elusive. It seemed like forever, but like any cliche, those years actually flew by really quick.

You’d think it’d be so easy. The time had come. No more classes, no more tests, no more group projects. Only time. The same thing that was so limited at school still seems just as limited now. But why was it so limited? Everything I dreamed of was now. I talked about it so much, having this time. Yet, sometimes, all I can find myself doing is worrying about whether or not I should go get a job. It doesn’t help that I got denied by all the firms I applied for. If I should go move away to another city. If I should go on a vacation to “find myself”. Once I’m done thinking these thoughts, it’s 3 am so I Netflix till I pass out.

All these thoughts just squeeze the life out of me. See, when I was 18 I thought I knew everything, how the world should be, how the world was, how I was. Like any college freshman, that notion was immediately back slapped the hell out of me. Good riddance too. I’m so happy with who I have grown up to become. One disconcerting thought looms over me though. What if this is happening again? What if all those entrepreneurial ventures I wanted to pursue are going to get backhand slapped out of me again and I’m really going after something I don’t even care about.

Trust me, it can be embarrassing at times. To tell people I have graduated with a full ride; that I came from the top high school in California and yet I am still at home not looking for jobs. I’m starting an agency in Fullerton and we have a whopping one client right now. Oh and don’t worry, my real dream is to start a Boba business. Yes, I’m sure my Asian parents and our relatives and family friends have to try everything in their power to not snort the milk out of their noses.

So, here I am again. On a uncomfortably warm summer night, 2 am and I am typing away in my living room. Of course I could be out with friends getting plastered. I could be applying for jobs at big firms with big salaries that my family can be proud of; one that would help my parents not have to worry about their mortgage, one that would make them say, “we raised him right.”

Nope, I’m home. I still have that drive to do something. Those dreams that you cherish and are bred to develop as kids, suddenly feels so stupid. I may be lost, alone and most importantly a doofus. I don’t know though, I just really want to believe that I can make it. And if I can’t, I would love to die knowing that I never abandoned my goals. That I was so blind and hopelessly romantic to think that I could start my own business.

When you watch movies or sports, the moment the lights turn on or the climax is at its pinnacle, it looks so easy. Just kill the bad guy. Make the basket. Now I know though, there is so much more. So many thoughts, so many doubts and puzzled faces. The time has come and man I’m scared. But no matter, the time has come. I want to do what I said I would do, not because its an obligation, but because….I want to.

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