Who Will Be Vape Daddy?

Jason Mallory and Tom Rittenhouse Descend Into the Cave of Aladdin GIFs

Jason Pierce Mallory
May 7 · 9 min read

👨🏻 Hey y’all, it’s me! Jeff Foxworthy! Jason and Tom let me introduce the article so I could try out my new Aladdin material and here it is! “If a man with a snake staff sends you down into a cave of wonders with your pet monkey to get a magic lamp — you MIGHT be Aladdin.” Hope you liked it! Anyway, here’s Jason and Tom with some wholesome comedy about a genie who’s as blue as my collar!

JASON

Whoa, was Jeff Foxworthy just in here? Shoulda got his autograph. What’s up Tom—let’s talk about these GIFs from the Aladdin trailer!

​I’ll say it: Jafar is overdressed for this trip to the Cave of Wonders. It’s kind of an outdoors excursion, right?

I mean, maybe his pockets are stuffed with CLIF Bars and he’s got a carabiner clipped to his silk belt but neither of these guys are ready for the cover of Outside Magazine, much less Outdoor Genie Monthly. Or even Active Vizier Quarterly, which is very easy to get on the cover of.

Here’s a tip for your nighttime trip to a cave — bring any light source. This GIF is too damn dark! Hell, I think the Battle of Winterfell is going on in the background. I think I can see people tweeting about their TV settings?

TOM

Hey Jason, thrilled to be here. And good call on the odd costuming choice. The first two words I think of when I see Jafar’s insane getup are SWAMP and NARDS. Straight up, the stank of his underbunch alone must be enough to place him in the cream of the crotch of Disney villainy.

TBH, I don’t really remember the plot of Aladdin, so what I’m gathering from this GIF is that Jafar is an evil real estate agent and he’s trying to sell Aladdin on a sketchy-AF 1BR/1BA trap shack.

This scenario really puts the CAVE in “caveat emptor” because what our wannabe prince doesn’t know is that 1BR/1BA actually stands for 1 Boa-constrictor Room/1 Boa-constrictor Also-room. It’s a bad deal. Sub-Saharan Prime at best. But I gotta give Jaf-Daddy credit — motion-sensor torches in the foyer is a nice touch. Especially for an early-20s, horny (I assume he’s horny) pauper looking for a dank void (talking about the cave) to invite the ladies over for a magic carpet ride (this time I’m talking about sex).

Well played, Jafar. So good it’s nefarious. Jafarious.

JASON

“Aladdin — assume he’s horny” is coincidentally the new tagline for the updated film.

Here it is — Aladdin’s Creed.

TOM

I heard there was an alternate version of this scene where Aladdin and his monkey Abu are swinging from those parallel beams and Aladdin stops, looks directly at camera and quips “Get it? Monkey bars?” Aladdin exits frame but Abu remains. Just hanging there. The camera slowly zooming into his unblinking Capuchin stare for fourteen excruciating minutes.

Audiences understandably hated it so they recast the monkey with Scarlett Johansson.

JASON

Fourteen minutes of monkey panning sounds like fourteen minutes in heaven to me, Tom. Was even thinking of us getting a tat to commemorate this scene, except Abu has your face, like the dream I always have.

So where do you want it, Tom? Calf muscle? Bicep? I got a dude who will ink us both for a couple JUUL cartridges.

TOM

That’s so sweet, Jason. I’ll put it where all my skin art goes: bikini line, next to the Chinese symbol for America.

Does Will Smith live in a gravy boat?

Speaking of unnecessarily egregious attempts to modernize classic cinema, is…is the genie lamp an e-cig? Because great! And why stop there?! I say ditch the love story — Willennials don’t believe in traditional love anyway. Make Genie a vape god. Say “Goodbye, carpet,” and “Hello, Magic Fidget Spinner.” Have Aladdin exhale away the entire caste system with an elaborate plume of Socialism, and then live out the rest of his upwardly mobile days squandering it all on Fortnite skins. What do you think, Jason? And what flavor of vape is the genie? Fresh Mints of Blue Air?

JASON

I agree, it would be nice if Aladdin called himself Vape Daddy. Or would the genie be Vape Daddy? After careful deliberation, I say, “only he who is born of vape smoke can claim the mantle of Vape Daddy.”

Leads me to wonder if I could become a genie if I vaped hard enough. Let’s meet in the parking lot of your favorite vape shop (is it Cloudeez?? Puffingtons? Surely not JUUL of the NILE?) and I’ll puff while you wish with all your heart.

What you gonna wish for, Tom? I need a heads-up so I can try to make it happen. I’ll bring some birthday candles and clocks set to 11:11 just in case — we need all the wish-based items we can use to make this work. Tell your friends and loved ones you’re a “wish prince” now thanks to your new VAPE DADDY and you don’t have to take their shit anymore!

TOM

Straight up, my wife and family will be thrilled to hear that I have a new Vape Daddy. My last one never returned after “going out for a pack of smokes.” I should’ve known.

Why marry a princess when you can marionette?

Also straight up, this GIF very much rules. Like, I wanted to hate on it and make fun of Hollywood’s over-reliance on CGI spectacle over substance, but don’t you dare close my eyes…this sequence is super tight. The lighting is perfect — dynamic enough to be interesting, dark enough to sneakily cover up any technical shortcomings. This is 100% a performance I’d want to see live but also not enjoy because the whole audience has their phones out filming it. There’s something for everyone — puppets and dancing for the theatre dorks, monkey trumpets for the ska dorks, and rug maracas for the…um…Latin-music themed houseware…dorks. IT LOOKS GOOD OKAY!?!

JASON

When a genie exerts his magical powers to create a trumpet-playing monkey, does he just go into the monkey’s head and place the ability to play trumpet in the monkey’s brain?

OR

Does he send the monkey to a pocket dimension where the monkey spends a year learning the trumpet? (also, does the monkey retain the knowledge? does he ever even know what he had?)

TOM

Hey Jason, no offense, but you’re the most profound person I know. *cracks knuckles, hits bong* If the genie is truly good, then they’d know that leaving this monkey with the ability to play trumpet will invariably lead to an insufferable career in the arts. Genies grant wishes, they don’t revoke them.

So my answer is: Abu is not Abu. This is a completely different monkey. One that grew up in a musical monkey family. Her father was an organ grinder, mom played the hand cymbals. It is her destiny to toil among the scourge of incoherent poets and overworked grant writers. She’ll die young, eroded from the daily tortures of rejection and a mountain of student loan debt. If only the genie could help. Alas, the ancient wish spirit can only enable what cannot be changed.

Abu, meanwhile, is in his trailer masturbating.

Hell yeah! Myth! F***ing! Busted! Motherf***er! That was fun! I’m hungry. What’s our next great GIF, Jason?

👨🏻 Hey y’all, it’s me again! Jeff Foxworthy! Just wanted to say that even though Tom is right about the monkey, genie policy is that when a genie grants a monkey the ability to play the trumpet he actually creates a clone of the monkey from scratch, except with one crucial difference: the ability to play several brass instruments. Then when the monkey is no longer needed he sends it to a dimension where all monkeys play the trumpet so it won’t feel out of place. I should know, I was trapped in a lamp for seven years when I thought it was a tiny gold trailer.

JASON

Let’s get real for a minute, Tom. What would you wish for from the Will Smith genie? I’d wish the lamp could come to life and dab.

Then I’d wish that the genie got his feelings hurt every time he saw someone dab. Can you imagine? Your own house is always dabbing and you have to take it personally every time and you’re immortal so the dabbing will never end and your house also spits you out whenever someone rubs it and also, remember, it dabs.

​TOM

Wow, Jason. Talk about eternal dabnation. It’s got a real Salvador-Dali-meets-Migos vibe to it and I already feel like I’ve appropriated too many cultures. That’s the fun of Disney! Oh yeah and I’d wish for someone to go through every dramatic movie scene in history and insert Mr. Bean.

Can you belieeeeeeve!?!?!

Again, I’m very fuzzy on the actual plot of Aladdin so this GIF, to me, suggests a real QUEER EYE moment. There are five Will Smith Genies, one for each cast member obviously. Blue Karamo employs a brilliant mirror metaphor to boost Aladdin’s self-love. Blue Bobby installs a floor shelf that draws your eyes up to make Aladdin’s room look taller. And Blue Tan somehow French-tucks a turban. No magic is required when you’ve got STYLE, HENNY! I can’t wait to ugly-cry in theaters this May. My only question is who nominated Aladdin?

JASON

I guess finding a magic lamp is like if the Fab Five all manifested themselves through a shapeshifting Will Smith. Which leads me to wonder—are there other genies who aren’t as cool or interested in leading the wish-maker down a path of self-discovery and improvement?

Here’s a quick movie pitch for you, Tom: it’s called Trash Genies and it’s about all the genies who are trash. Kind of like Garbage Pail Kids with the power to change reality.

I want my genie to come out using their ex’s Netflix logins. I want to see a genie that steals jokes on Twitter to use for branded content. I want a genie who tries to convince you to wish for essential oils.

TOM

That’s a cool thought and it makes me want to subscribe to your e-zine dot com. And that’s huge because I’ve never been on the internet before. Hmm…I feel like I’d be the trash genie who’d present a bunch of esoteric takes on blockbuster movie GIFs. My name would be Jeff FoxUNworthy and I’d travel the world on my Blue Color Comedy Tour. Speaking of Jeffy Woofwoof (that’s what I call him [because it’s his real name]), we’ve invoked him three times in this word swamp, which means our journey is complete. Turns out the mustachioed mayor of mid-tonal mirth was OUR genie all along.

Dude. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t the most important creative endeavor of my life. But it’s not even about that. For me, what I’ll remember forever is how profoundly our Aladdin GIF deconstruction article on www.medium.com contributed to the hundreds of millions of dollars Disney will reap in theaters and merchandising. We did that.

Thanks for everything, Jason. Have a great Willenium.

JASON

Thank YOU, Tom, and special thanks to little Jeffy WoofWoof, who released us from our torment and taught us a little bit about the inner workings of genie code. Sadly, he was trapped in another lamp when he tried to put a sticker of Calvin peeing on it. Should have gone with praying Calvin, peace!! ✌️