I, Donald J. Trump, Strongly Condemn the Attacks on All These Terrible People

I, President Donald J. Trump, strongly condemn the recent attempted attacks on the illegitimate former President, Crooked Hillary who should be locked up, the man who organized and funded the caravan of tens of thousands of MS-13 members, Middle Eastern terrorists, and NAMBLA members currently approaching the United States, and the Fake News Enemy of the American People.

People always say to me, “Donald, how can you be so strong and have such a big, handsome heart at the same time?” To those people I say, “Thank you.” And while I may applaud the bodyslamming of reporters, the mistreatment of innocent until proven guilty suspects, offer to pay legal fees for people who throw sucker-punches at my rallies, and encourage my supporters to knock the crap out of protestors, we need to keep in mind the real victims in our society: men accused of sexual misconduct. I know there are currently bombs circulating in our postal system and people are shooting up concerts and schools like it was going out of style, but the biggest threat to the American way of life is men being scolded just because they grabbed a boobie without asking first. Let me be clear — there is no place in our society for violence without my expressly tweeted consent.

Everyone knows that I am the Law and Order President. Many people are saying I am the greatest protector of laws this country has ever seen. This means that I will do whatever it takes to protect the American people, including imprisoning reporters who report on leaks within my administration, being introduced at rallies by convicted murderers, saying I’d like to punch protestors in the face, or pardoning a sheriff who lets diabetics perish in his jail due to lack of medical attention but also just happens to agree with me that the last President was born in some shithole country. The other day I called myself a nationalist and the liberals got very, very angry just because some other people who happened to also be white and nationalist murdered a woman in Charlottesville. We need to keep in mind that there are always many fine people on the sides of both the murdered and not murdered.

Look, everyone knows I have no great love for Barack Hussein Obama, Crooked Hillary rapist husband haver Benghazi Clinton, or the low-rated media company that employs dishonest, deceptive Jim Acosta (who, let’s be honest, would already be locked up if not for the First Amendment of the Constitution which I love so dearly but also might have to have looked at because some of it is very, very unfair to me). At least not the way I have love for North Koreans who murder their own half brothers in airports or Russians who use polonium the way I might use sriracha on the World’s Greatest Taco Salad. Like I always say, if you’re willing to beat and murder people you don’t like, you must be one Tough Cookie.

So I say this to the person (probably a woman) who sent those alleged explosive devices to the terrible people who are responsible for the utter downfall and destruction of America: I hope you have a good lawyer (not Michael Cohen). And if you don’t, I’ll pay for one.

Jason Pinter is the Founder and Publisher of Polis Books. He is the author of six novels and two children’s books, and has written for Esquire, The New Republic, Entrepreneur, The Daily Beast, and more. His next novel, The Broken Woman, is forthcoming from Thomas & Mercer in 2020. Follow him at @JasonPinter.