Why(s) Did Donald Trump Win?

Now you done fucked up

The media was too elitist against/gave too much airtime to Donald Trump.

Twitter didn’t do enough/did too much to censor hate speech.

Hillary Clinton was a criminal subject to unfair advantages/clumsy but subject to unfair hate.

Authenticity/decades of honed media charisma and sales pitches.

Vladimir Putin/Julian Assange/James Comey/John Podesta.

White working class/White voters.

Black voters didn’t care/were disenfranchised.

Conspiracy theories about Hillary’s health/murder of Seth Rich and/or Vince Foster.

Clinton overused Putin as a bogeyman/raised fears she would start a nuclear war with Putin.

Jill Stein/Gary Johnson pulled a Nader in key contested states.

Seinfeld royalties/the war for your mind.

The left was too politically-correct, as seen by Black Lives Matter/transgender bathroom access/college campus safe spaces/trigger warnings/equating shaming with free speech censorship.

Free/less-advantageous trade deals.

Hillary was too underwhelming/too fake/too goofy/too tired.

Loss of manufacturing/rise of content farming.

WikiLeaks revelations of Clinton Foundation improprieties/Democratic National Committee collusion/news media members giving direct campaign support/private email server shenanigans/illegal SuperPAC coordination/Marina Abramovic’s spirit cooking that were ignored/dismissed/rationalized by pundits/journalists/analysts/political insiders residing in New York City/Washington D.C. and helped fuel the idea that the mainstream media is out-of-touch/has a liberal bias/helped rig the election for Hillary.

George Soros/(((George Soros))).

Popularity among low-educated/hyperlink-educated voters.

The FBI/DoJ prevented a sure-fire indictment of Hillary.

The Silent Majority/less minorities showed up to vote.

Fears of Mexican rapists/ISIS posing as refugees/pre-existing black population.

Hillary had no message/memorable talking points.

Bernie should have been the candidate but was too critical/not critical enough of Hillary in the Democratic Primary.

Conspiracy theories about Hillary’s health/murder of Seth Rich/Vince Foster.

Cuckolding/Feeling good, man.

The Alt-Right/Reddit/4Chan/Twitter bots/Russians/political operatives/Facebook algorithms spread too many false stories from Fox News/Breitbart/Macedonian kids making money off Google AdSense clickbait.

Obama voters stayed home/voted for Trump this year.

Overall, it’s clear that Trump’s victory was a rebuke of everything Obama stood for/a continuation of cyclical pattern of American political history/an inevitable pendulum swing/a sign of the apocalypse/a gift from Heaven/an excuse for Scott Adams to pat himself on the back/an indication that the Electoral College is a flawed system that distorts the overall popular vote.

Just remember: what happens to America now is up to you/Soros/Putin/whoever’s speaking at Davos next year.