The American Travel Guide Part III: South Atlantic
The South Atlantic is a proud region with many unique styles of life. Here are some travel tips if you plan on making the trek down south.
Visit Harper’s Ferry, where John Brown’s Raid took place and think about whether he is a patriot or a terrorist. Also, contemplate how he grew that fantastic beard while all you can get is a scraggly five o’clock shadow.
Go hiking in the Appalachian Mountains or use it as a cover for any scandalous activities you wish to engage in.
If a local does not engage you in an impromptu sing a long of “Country Road” by John Denver, you can revoke their West Virginian citizenship.
The capitol of the Confederacy was in Richmond. Walk around shaking your head in disgust while compiling a list of possible traitors to our great nation.
Virginia Beach is a fun beach spot for the whole family. Avoid it and spend all your time at the historic Jamestown Settlement. Tell your children they’ll appreciate this later while you stifle your laughter at their hilarious tears.
Remember a Southern belle is only as good as her hand fan, parasol umbrella, and fainting skills.
Joke with the locals about how North Carolina is the superior Carolina. When they agree and ask why you think so, run away as fast as you can.
Enjoy some famous Carolina barbecue by driving across state lines into South Carolina. Believe me, no one will stop you.
Michael Jordan played basketball at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Commemorate “His Airness” by sticking your tongue while clutching a basketball whilst strolling around this area.
South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union. Hopefully you kept that traitor list from Virginia because you’ll have a lot to add down here.
Charleston, South Carolina is called the most polite and hospitable city in America. Try your best to disprove this saying.
Myrtle Beach is a fun beach destination where recently graduated South Carolina high school seniors go to celebrate their “Senior Week”. Plan your trip to celebrate with them.
Join in the local tradition and become a Georgia Peach.
At the Coca-Cola factory insist that they give you the version with cocaine. If they refuse, get back at them by downing a refreshing Pepsi in their smug faces.
Recreate a favorite tourist pastime started by General Sherman by burning down the city of Atlanta.
Savannah is a city famous for its many squares. Measure each one of these squares to make sure they are not rectangles. If any rectangles are found, leave this city immediately, due to Savannah’s inability to understand simple geometry.
Test to see if that alligator is dead or just sleeping.
Dress your child up as a Disney Princess in Disney World not necessarily because they want to, but because you think it would be adorable.
If you don’t own a white blazer and matching white pants, you are not allowed into the city of Miami.
While in Disney World, try to free as many captured costumed characters as possible.